Challenging the doctor

I got my emergency leave from 2nd to 5th January, so the roster for the week is disrupted. They gave me a Bombay flight today, but i decided not to do the flight.

Slept around 9pm last night, cos the Bombay flight departs early in the morning. But i woke up in the middle of the night at 1am, after which i was wide awake and couldn't fall asleep no matter how i tried. I guess i'm too paranoid about the interview. So in the end, i decided to give the horrible flight a skip.

Not that i didn't wanna do the flight, i wanted more money, so i'll really try to do watever flight i could. But i haven shut my eyes since i woke up at 1am. Dun think i have the energy to fight with the horrible pax on this flight.

Went to the doctor early this morning. I think i was one of the earliest. Sat there for almost half an hr before she finally called me in. Coincidentally i have been having diarrhoea for a few days, so i used this reason. In the end, not only she seemed unconvinced, she arrange for me to do a blood and stool test.....

And so, i went to the first level of the hospital and had 2 tubes of my blood sucked out from the needle and forced myself to shit for almost ten mins in the toilet.... Now, feeling a little sleepy, i have to wait for the test results to be out, and i still have to return to the hospital and let her decide if she's gonna let me have my sick leave....

I'm pissed... I think my acting ability is gone... i used to be such a good actress, and handling doctors has never been a problem for me.. now, i have to go through all these shit, and still uncertain if i'm gonna get an MC.... Haiz....

Beautiful Abu Dhabi

Finally i've been to somewhere nice in Abu Dhabi. Went to the Corniche with a new chauffuer.

It's really nice to have someone driving you around. Especially when the weather is so nice. I saw online that it was about 23 degree celsius in the afternoon. This place can be like hell and heaven in different times of the year...

Unfortunately i did not bring my camera. I wonder why i haven been out like this before. It's a whole stretch along the sea. Actually i heard that it was reclaimed land, so it's really close to the sea. The water is clear. The breeze is very cooling, kinda cold actually, so it's very comfortable.

Opposite the stretch is the mall and they built a mini fun-fair beside the mall, which we went too. We took the mini Ferris-wheel, it was beautiful. We had a clear view of Emirates Palace and also the whole stretch across, which is all the tall buildings in AUH...

It'd be nice if the weather is like this throughout the year. I must make use of this lovely weather to go to the safari tour soon.... Hopefully my chauffeur would still be available... Hiak hiak.... *eViL*

New Year's Wish

I have a wish this new year. The wish to fulfill my dream.... it's only half-completed now... i hope i'll finally have it fulfilled in year 2008...

Made a lot of effort to prepare for it. Got blessings from everyone around me. Thank you all... i hope i dun let you guys down....

My mum went to pray and ask from "the holy god", and he said that i'll have 80% of success rate. I hope he's right this time. Thank god....

Never Look Back

Fingers crossed***
Whatever that's gonna happen next, will definitely change my life.....

A decision has been made.....
Let's wait and see the results.....

Encourage me... do not let me be fickled minded again.....

~Butterfly Love~

Love Is Like A ButterFly,
The More You Chase It, The More It Eludes You...

But If You Just Let It Fly,
It Will Come To You When You Least Expect it...

Always make room for U-turn

I've always been an impulsive person. Making shocking decisions and sometimes, regret afterwards.

As i grow older, i come to realise that there are things that i've regret doing, but it's too late to change the fact.
Though i'm not as impulsive as before, to think more before making certain decisions, hoping that i'll not regret later, a part of me still has the urge to go ahead with the shocking project.

No matter wat decision i make now, i'll try to make some room, so that i'll be able to turn back, in case i've made the wrong move again.

All these thoughts, make me into a more negative person. I've more stuff to think and that adds more vexing ingredients into my originally active brain.

I've got so much to think about.... i guess i'm getting older.....

"Merry" Christmas!!

It's been 6 years. Such a long time. But we're separated across 2 different parts of the world.

I've always liked christmas. To me, it's an occasion of sharing joy, showing love and concern, and giving presents. Since 6 christmas ago, i started to cherish this occasion even more. It's the day i remind myself that i'm being loved.

This year, i spent my countdown on the bus to briefing room. And i spent 8 hrs of christmas serving passengers and the rest of the day in jakarta. It's not that bad actually, at least i dun have to spend it alone at home facing 4 walls, but there's a bitch on board who ruined my precious moment.

I can't believe that i had to work with such a horrible cabin manager on such a special day. She's the meanest person i met here since i joined etihad. She gave everyone a hard time during briefing and continued to be mean on board.

To make things worse, i'm in some kinda bad luck, giving her the chance to attack me on flight and making my mood incredibly down. In the end, the whole set of crew had to study in our hotel rooms to be prepared for the returning briefing that she gave on the way to the airport.

That's how i spent this wonderful occasion............. Unforgettable isn't it???

Wasting time....

The management sucks... only know how to entertain people. Wasting my time and effort to run all the way down to the office. In the end, shoo me off with one sentence:"Sorry, i can't help you...."

I realised that a guy and a girl can never be good friends. I should have realised it long ago...

Hongkong Drama...

Borrowed a hongkong drama serial from raine. Have been watching it for many days. Even when i'm having layover in London n frankfurt. The show is about a group of policemen and their stories in the police academy and station.

The male lead, a policeman as well, has a gf of many years. He encouraged her to pursue her studies in japan, thinking that he cannot be selfish to keep her by his side and ruin her future, while he remained in hongkong to continue his police career. They spent a lot of time chatting on msn. They loved each other very much and he already planned to marry her and only her.

As their lifes continue in different parts of the world, the guy continued to work extremely hard and he excelled in his job. He enjoyed his job very much. Having his family with him and his colleagues as his friends.

As days go by, he encountered happy and unhappy moments, and also problems and pressure in his work. He'll always find his gf online to share and pour out his ups and downs. But there'll be periods when he's unable to contact his gf. Slowly and eventually, he started sharing his life with his 'friend'.

Unknowingly, both himself and his friend, a female colleague, fell for each other. They spent a lot of time with one another and everytime they have problem, the opposite will always be there.

The guy felt extremely guilty about what happened, he tried to make things work out between him and his gf, but things have changed and will never be the same again. Eventually they broke up and his gf was left disappointed and distressed. After some time, the guy and his friend finally became an item... ...

Hmmm mmm mm..... .... ... .. .

New Splurge....

Went shopping with Raine just now for a new wallet. Poor raine, got pick-pocketed in Brussels. Lost her wallet, all her credit cards and over 1000AED.

We went looking at all the brands. Coach, Gucci, Chanel, Fendi and LV... In the end, that rich gal bought the most expensive brand.... LV..... 1900AED... It's a nice wallet, but too expensive.

I always get influenced by raine. It's peer pressure i guess. In the end, i was tempted to get a wallet too. Branded wallet. So she accompanied me to look around again.

Wanted to get gucci initially, cheaper than LV and nicer designs i thought. But after looking around again, i decided to get a Coach wallet. It's much cheaper than gucci and LV and more practical design with more compartments. I wanted a purse actually, small enough to put in all my bags, in the end i chose a medium size wallet.

I spent half of wat raine paid, but it's alot of money too... but i really like it..... Merry christmas to myself....

Peace.... Not...

Have not had a single peaceful moment since i received the email.... *damn*..... Extremely vexed. Can't eat well... Can't sleep well.... Can't even sit well...

Flights have been great. Getting a lot of compliments from Cabin Managers and guests. Good news, but still not enough to make my day....

My hair is recovering well. I've been doing a lot of treatment and putting a lot of serum on my hair. Hope it'll get back to it's original state soon... Weird thing is, despite of its extremely dry condition, people are still asking me where i had my hair cut, and commenting that my hairstyle looks great... hmmm....

Was looking through friendster and noticed that a lot of people are SQ cabin crew.... Pissed..... Sour-grape probably.....

I have absolutely negative attitude.... it pisses me off too... but i'm even more pissed off when others tell me that i'm negative... Cos, believe me, I KNOW......

Obstacles all the way....

So proud of Myself...

OMG!!! After dunno how long, i've finally completed my knitting production... I rushed like crazy last night for almost 6 hours to finish off the remaining of my knitted scarf... Hurray!!!

I'm really proud of myself to have learnt how to knit the scarf without the help of others.. ermmm, actually it's becos there's no one here in AUH who can help me with it. I struggled a lot to figure out the different stitches, did and redo many many times before i finally figured out the correct way.. The books were not clear at all.. How would u be able to do it if it's all written in words??

I bought loads of yarns just to make a scarf, reason being i'm not too sure which one will turn out nicer, which thickness suits which needle... i've also bought many many knitting needles, different sizes for different yarns...

Finally after all the hardwork and effort and money spent, it's done....
So i'll be delivering it to London for it's new Owner.... Hope he appreciates it.....

*Pictures to be posted soon....*

Cough Cough Cough

My fever is gone, and my flu is getting better, but my cough is getting worse. I woke up this morning becos i was coughing too hard. I feel like as though my lungs are coming out anytime.

My poor mother was so worried about me and insisted on passing some chinese herb to the set of crew coming back to AUH from sin tmr... *sweet*
She was worried that i might die like my grandma, cos she started with a very bad cough before she passed away...

I have been drinking a lot of water, hoping that i'll get well soon.

Motivating factor----> I wanna go to LONDON HEATHROW!!!!

I may not see you as often as i like. I may not get to hold you in my arms all through the night. But deep in my heart i truly know, you're the one that i love, and i can't let you go...

5000 miles away and you are still right here, in my heart and mind...

I wish that you are here or i am there, or that we are together anywhere...

We are the perfect couple, we are just not in the perfect situation....

Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never met...

Time goes by, Life goes on, and all i can think of is why you're gone....

True Love never dies as we see in our eyes, only when we let go that we can truly say goodbye...

Memories are the best Souvenirs...

Sick Sick Sick

I recalled that i read this blog belonging to an emirates crew describing her life away from home. She mentioned that she treasured her family n frens in singapore even more, being away from everyone. And her most difficult time is when she fell ill in her apartment and there's no one there for her.

I used to think tat it's fine, being an MC queen myself, i thought it's really no big deal falling sick with no one there. But after my Frankfurt trip, i can totally relate to how she felt.

We reached frankfurt in the evening, and everything was ok, until i went to take a shower n prepared myself for bed. I think i might have caught a cold, and i started having flu, runny nose and then fever.... throughout the whole night, i was struggling to fall asleep. i woke up every hour to see that it's still midnight, and my fever got from bad to worse.

I was supposed to go out with some crew to the Christmas Market in the city the next day, but i really couldn't make it anymore. I layed in bed for the entire day feeling horrible n alone. I was so sick that i called the recept to get me a doc, but they said it's too expensive n asked me to go to the airport clinic, which i was too weak to do so... I struggled alone in my room, trying to get my cabin manager, but to no avail. By the time she called me back, it was already wake up call time...

In the end, i had to dead-head back with the flight, feeling sick and guilty as they are down by one crew.... i went to the doc just now and i'm still having fever. i hope i get well soon, so that i will not disrupt my london flight.....

Full of injuries...

Do u know the importance of a thumb? I know it's a vital part on our hand, but i didn't know there would be so much inconvenience without it...

I was assigned to do galley on my london flight, and within the first 10minutes on board, i broke my nail, all the way into my flesh. There wasn't any feeling initially, but after a while..... *hoo*

Whatever i do, i kept bumping onto things, and it hurts like hell. Even the slightest contact hurts, eg: buttoning my shirt. I had an incredibly horrible time doing my galley position... Luckily i had a nice set of ladies on board to help me in everything...:>

Despite of the wonderful assistance i got, i still messed things up. Maybe it's my 2nd time being galley, so i was a little screwed up. By the end of the flight, i had another 3 fingers cut. Within one single flight, i injured 40% of my fingers, not to mention the bruises i got on my legs...

Not only the superficial wounds i got on flight, i caught another cold while shopping in London. Had quite a headache in the morning and runny nose till now... Overall, my body is in a bad shape.... Poor Janice.......

NOBODY OWES ME ANYTHING

I OWE NO ONE NO SHIT

Treasure them... Treasure myself....

I'm learning to be nice to people around me. People whom i love and people who loves me. But it seemed so hard to be nice to them...

Not that i'm not nice to them, but i'm always very impatient. I try to take a deep breath nowadays, before i throw tanthrums. But i'll always end up going crazy...

I'll continue to try to be nice to the people who deserves my love. For those who dun deserve it, i'll try to divert my attention to somewhere else. After all, i won't be able to love anybody when i dun treasure myself...

It's Party Time...

Finally after almost 2 months, i went clubbing with some frens again. Have not been drinking and going out with them for quite a while previously cos i was on the diet pills, and that stopped me from drinking, thus no drinking, no clubbing. Had a very tight roster since i came back from singapore, so can't help but to go out with them to relax a bit.

We had a Pre-Party session at one of their accomodation. Played some card games and started drinking at his place. I had a whole lots of Baileys that got me into an upset stomach. I didn't even become high at all, and i started having pain and eventually when i reached the club, i puked... twice..... *Loser*

And that was the end of my drinking session for the day. So i was sat in the club, looking at how these people degrade themselves. Getting themselves incredibly drunk, dancing dirty dances with girls that they barely know, getting free drinks from gay guys *OMG*...

To a point when one of my fren got super duper drunk, from the free drinks he got from a gay guy, and couldn't even walk properly, so he was chased out of the club by the security before he make any scene. The rest of the guys were happily hugging some stewardesses from SQ, thus did not bother about the guy being kicked out, so i had to take care of him.

I had no choice when he dragged me straight into a cab and went back to his accomodation. I didn't even have time to tell the rest, but i guess they won't bother anyway. Tried calling them, but no one picked up their phones. I was pissed.

And as usual, the way these guys always disappoint me. My dear drunkard fren tried to treat me like one of the girls in the club. That's why i hate guys to treat me like a girl. When they do, they try to take advantage of you. I reckon that i'm a loyal fren, and i dun like them to treat me like that, becos i am supposed to be "A Friend", nothing more than that.

Anyway, nothing happened. He's too drunk to do anything, and i got some guys i met at the lobby to bring him up to his room. The moral of the story is: Never be a friend of a Drunkard Guy. Cos they are jerks......

How i'm feeling right now....

My arms are itching badly since i came back from singapore. There're around 24 bumps on my left arms and 5 on my right, they look like rashes, but i dunno wat exactly it is. It's disgusting and i feel sick looking at it... Some people say it's rashes, some say i was bitten by bed bug, some say it's chicken-pox....

I feel extremely dreamy right now, with a mixture of feelings and everything seems to be floating....

I feel extremely tired with a very heavy head even after taking panadols 3 hrs ago....

I feel very sleepy, but i can't sleep....

Overall, i feel like shit physically and mentally.....

Home Sweet Home...

This blog is supposed to be a full page of the things i've done during my stay in singapore, but my horrible PC at home performed magic and made all that i've typed disappeared.. As usual, the lousy, laggy PC that always hang. So now i've edited the "Home Sweet Home" edition of my blog....

I had a pleasant stay in singapore. Nothing much happened, except that Mr Peng n i did a lot of shopping, Expensive shopping. Bought stuff like my Sony T20 n he got his PSP, etc. Mr Peng was around during my entire stay and i really enjoyed having someone there by my side, kinda forgotten that feeling since i came to AUH.

Didn't spend much time with my family. Did not even have a proper dinner with them. My dad was not at home most of the time. I guess the "Precious Daughter" label is fading off, cos they probably gotten used to me not being around anymore. It's kinda sad to know that people are actually getting use to ur absence. It's like they dun need u anymore...

Anyway, it was a big risk going home during this off days. Not only i had to lie to get back, i almost missed my Operating flight to bangkok, cos my flight back to AUH was delayed. I reached AUH home at 5 plus in the morning and had to go for BKK flight at 6am... It was a horrible and tiring experience......

Home from Munich

I just came back from Munich Flight. After trying extremely hard to get my Standby changed to Rest day tmr, i failed. Supposed to have an Available tmr n they changed it to Standby. I begged them, gave all sorts of pathetic excuses, called the manager but still failed. I'm feeling sick, tired and going crazy soon. I really wanna go home..

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Flight was alright, despite a bit of complication with a "princess" swedish crew on board. She was having some problem with the senior crew working with her in pearl zone, so the cabin manager wants to swap me to the front to work, but i wanted to practice working in galley in coral. In the end, i had no choice, cos the CM thinks i'm really good and wants me to serve the business class.

I'm ok working in the front, but i was not feeling well after catching a cold in Munich and not having enough sleep and having a bad headache, so i really wanted to work in the galley. i wasn't very pleased initially but everything turned out fine, cos i've got the best customer-service.*ahem*

That Swedish girl was still having problem with the seniors even though they were not working together anymore, so the situation really made me the star of the flight. I seemed to be the best crew to work with, no attitude, good service, always taking initiative. After the flight, i realised that the CM wrote a report about me, complimenting me on my excellent work and recommended me to be trained for First class. Cool, if i'm really trained, i'll be a rich gal...

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Munich is really beautiful. The first time i went, i already had a wonderful impression of the place. This time round, with the snow, the place looks stunning. This is the first time in my 23 years that i've seen real snow. It was really cold, but i heard that other places are much colder and it shocks me to know that.

I went straight out to the street and went shopping immediately after i reach the hotel. Everyone else went to sleep after the night flight. I was the only crazy active person still having the energy to go out. The snow was so beautiful that i refused to sleep. It's my first time after all.

I guess i really tired myself out. After dinner, i went back and totally knocked out and woke up with an extremely bad headache and caught a cold as well. It must be the weather, and i went running around in the snow, no wonder i caught a cold. But the whole experience was really nice...

Reconsidered......

Have been thinking about getting the phone since last night. Woke up this morning and still thinking and reconsidering, and i came to the conclusion not to buy it anymore. My original intention was to get 2 of the phones and give one as a x'mas present, but i changed my mind...

Instead, i think i'll just use the money for more shopping in singapore, rather than buying just an item, i can use these money on many more x'mas presents for the people who loves me. It's been 7 months since i came to abu dhabi, and i realised i've not bought anything for the other people whom i love.... Guess it's time.... It's x'mas, the season of Giving......

I did not buy presents from my layovers, but there's really nothing much that i can get from the places that i've been to. And lately, i only get to go to boring places, so i hope my dearest close ones will understand... Haha, making excuses here....

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Look what my horoscope has to say:

You must soft-pedal as far as your criticisms against your love partners are concerned, otherwise you may be entitled to a disappointment! You may have vague yearnings and may wish to have other things, to be elsewhere, to live a different life.

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Called Crew Control in the morning to request for Rest Day on Fri, so that i can go back home, but the fucker just refuse to give me a day off, instead, he put a memo on my roster that i request Off Day. He could've just change my roster and end of story, but he just wanna torment me..... Damn...... Keep my fingers crossed again........

Nokia 5610

My urge to spend hasn't decrease at all. I am going to get a phone later. Went to the shops downstairs to browse through the phones and saw Nokia5610. But people who knows me should know that i actually prefer samsung..... So i'm in a kinda contradiction again...

I'm never someone who takes out my money and pay for something expensive. I'd say i've improved slightly better after being here and mixing around with this kinda people, but i still hesitate when it comes to hundreds of SGD.....

Loneliness?

Was looking through the blog of an SQ gal-fren's blog. Her title is "Sometimes its lonely out there...". The title itself suggested how she felt when she's having her layovers, and i suddenly remembered what Jasmin told me long time ago...

She said that she'll cry at times during her layover, especially during special occasion like x'mas. And it sets me thinking, should i cry everyday? If SQ cabin crew feels lonely being away from home for such a short period, then i should have all the right to make big fusses all the time. And this applies especially when things are not going smoothly over here.

It really wouldn't be that bad if i've got support from my love ones, especially the one i love most, but unfortunately i do not have it.....

I feel sorry for myself.... n it's pathetic......

Within 15minutes, Crew Control has replaced enough people for the flights that are down on crew. I'm impressed, cos they dun seem to need my help on any flights anymore, that's good news, but it's bad news that they won't need me for Sydney as well... Damn.....

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It's funny how all the songs that you listen to, seemed to be re-enacting your life story. And it makes you think of the past even more. The Bitterness, Sweetness, Sourish and even the spicy-hot moments in ur life.

I like to look back and remind myself the things and events that brought me this far. One should never forget their past, no matter how painful it may be, cos it'll definitely bring you a brighter future.....

StandBy = Wait for Death Sentence....

My standby will start in 10minutes. And when i checked the crew on the flights, most of the monster flights are down by either 1 or 2 crews, meaning, i'll wait for time to come for them to call me for another monstrous flight.

I actually requested for Sydney, an ultra-long-haul flight. And i really hated these flights, but i have to do it, cos if i manage to get it, i'll get 2 days off after that, and i'll happily be able to go home..

As down and upset i can be, there no way i can leave everything here and run straight back like my dear Farhana, so to make me feel slightly better, i have to take a breather and go home for a couple of days....

Keep my fingers crossed***

T100.......

Alrighty..... I've decided the winner to be T100......

Went to the mall to look at the cameras just now, looked at all the 4 models, T20, 70 ,100 n 200. They only have red T200 n pink T70, not the other 2, and i thought tat red actually look better than pink. Therefore i eliminated T20 n 70. N after considering T100 n 200, i still think that buttons are better than touch screen.

T100 has a battery life of 340 shots while T200 only can shoot up to 250. Of course i should get T100 if i'm gonna be travelling around taking lots of pictures, hopefully. And JaniceChanYanLi always forget to charge her camera.......

Thus the contradiction is over, but i'll get it in Singapura, cos there ain't no stock in this stupid country......

Life is short... Make it Worth while

Life is too short to wake up in the morning with Regrets.

So Love the people who treats u right,

And Forget about the ones who dun.

Believe that everything happens for a reason.

If you get a chance, take it.

If it changes your life, then let it.

Nobody said it'd be easy,

They just promised it'd be worth it...

Live Free!!!

You gotta dance like nobody's watching.

DREAM like you will live forever.

LIVE like you're gonna die tomorrow.

And LOVE like it's never going to hurt.

Spending too much, eating too much...

Have been splurging a tad too much these few days. Maybe a form of relaxation from my uptight behaviour lately. To win some, u gotta lose some, therefore i'm making holes in my wallet, BIG holes.

Some well-spent money i'd say, bought some sweaters and a pair of jeans, finally. But the rest are really unnecessary splurges, and of course, they're spent on food. Have been binging every single moment. Kept eating and eating non-stop and a lot are junk foods. KFC, Dunkin Donutsssss, Popeye chicken, ice-cream, even potato chips and chocolates that i dun usually eat.

It's not so bad to eat so much, but i stopped doing my routine exercises. Damn, i'm killing myself slowly....

Keep having urge to spend money. Planning to buy the sony camera, but couldn't make up my mind which one i want. I definitely prefer the buttons ones to the touch screens. Touch screens waste more batteries, almost a hundred shots of difference. But i'm deciding between T100 n T20. T100 is better becos of the 5x optical zoom, but T20 is available in pink colour, and the price difference is quite alot, T100 is almost 50% more... Guess i'm probably gonna splurge lesser... haa....

Waiting for friday to arrive. I need to go back to singapore. If OCC is not gonna give me rest day for my available on Friday, i'm really gonna die.... Going crazy soon....

Bad to Worse

As bad as it can be, my laptop is not working anymore. Tried many times but still failed to switch it on. Guess it had a virus attack and guess that all my photographs inside are gone as well. Became emotionless about wat bad luck i've been having.

Gayle gave me this pills called st. john's warts, a kinda herb that'll make ur mood better, cos i'm really far too emotional. Everything still seems to be going against me. From dropping stuff, spilling drinks, getting the worse flights, getting the worse position on board, last minute purchase of duty free product by guest, duty free machine not working, guest paying by Saudi Riyal, no calculator provided, forced to make English announcement, full-load minimum crew complement, and my galley was given the least crew to do the service plus i have to do duty free and announcement and boarding of guests. The cabin manager is a dumbass man....

But the good news is, i think the pills are working. I've calm down a lot since yesterday. Weeping again for no reason initially, till i continue to weep becos i found some reasons to do so.

Where are u?

Where were you when i needed u most?
What have you done when i needed u most?
I'm going crazy but no one actually knows...
OR in fact, no one actually cares....

Feel like flying like a bird,
and jump down from the sky.
Feel like swimming like a fish,
and drown myself in the water.
Feel like being on cloud nine,
by swallowing all the drugs.......

And would anyone care if i really do so?
What am i living for?
I dunno anymore....

LOST

Feeling the strong sense of loneliness again. Keep coming to me. Why can't it just leave me alone? Feels horrible to feel this way.

I seemed to be the only person in this world. Nothing seemed to be real. All the loving feelings that i got from anyone seemed to be a feeling that i made up myself before. They do not exist, or at least not anymore.

Can someone tell me what's wrong with me? I really feel like killing someone to let everything out. But i really can't.... So i really feel like killing myself.....

Nothing is Right!!!

There'll always be a time when everything u do goes wrong. Everthing u want will not happen the way u want it. Everything just seemed to be opposing u.

It's happening to me right now.........

Why Frankfurt?? Why not munich??

ARghh.... Can't believe they did tat to me.. I was really thankful that they changed me from my london to Munich. But about an hr ago, i realised they took me off munich and put me on Frankfurt flight. Not that i mind frankfurt, but the layover of 27hrs is shortened to 13hrs.
This means that i'll have a shorter rest and lesser pay.... Damn....

Like how i'd normally react, i called them up and screwed them with all my might. The lady at OCC was really unhappy with me being unhappy at her and redirected me to Crew Control.
The guy at Crew control wasn't able to give me a relevant explaination and guess wat he said? Yeah.... "It's due to operational reason".... Gosh, wat a nice reason that can be use for everything....

As the Crew controller couldn't be able to change me back to munich, i took advantage of him and ask him to put me on Munich flight on 13th Nov... hehe.....
I was supposed to be doing LHR for 2 days n a Standby on 15th, by changing to munich, i'll have no more standby for 15th, therefore chances of me going back to singapore on the 16th will be much higher.....

Yippy!!!!! See u singapore!!!

Sleeping Beauty

I'm a sleeping beauty today. Have been sleeping from 6am all the way till filzah called me for dinner at 8pm. My body clock was totally the other way round. Sleeping during day time and awake when everyone else is sleeping. Bad bad bad...

Standby ends at 21:45, and as i was jokingly telling filzah tat i better check my phone in case they call me at 21.45 for flight, i realised there were really 2 missed calls from OCC at 21:46.
I swear i totally freaked out, but in the end, they called me to inform tat my LHR tmr is changed to Munich.... *Happy*

Bought some baking equipments yesterday. Gonna learn to bake cake....:> Those that are covered with cream and icing... yeah.... trying to find things to do man... waste money... haiz.....

My mum knows me the best

Feeling extremely bad mood. Not exactly tat kinda bad mood, but feeling a mixture of anxiety, loneliness, depressed and emotional kinda feeling. Probably my PMS playing a fool with me, again.

But of course, i'm not over the SQ thingy yet, which contributes mainly to my mood swing. Been thinking, talking and even dreaming about it. Can't get it out of my mind. And my usual impulsive behaviour tries to take over me. But dun worry, i won't, cos my life here is too good for me to do anything tat i'll regret much...

Really can't help thinking over and over about it. To try or not to try? How do i go about trying? Do i really wanna go back singapore? Wat are the Pros and Cons? How much difference in the 2 airlines? Wat will i be giving up if i go back? Wat will happen if i go back? Is there any turning back if i regret?
All these questions kept lingering in my mind.... Going Crazy soon....

Needed someone to talk to, and my Heroine Mother came to my rescue. She's always able to give me constructive advises, not really everytime, but most of the time... hee.. Advises that'll make me feel much better. That'll make me think much clearer.

Sometimes, most of the time actually, i've already made up my mind, but i just needed someone to reassure me, to encourage me and give me the extra boost of courage to go ahead and implement it. I've always been very decisive in my decisions, i just need people to support me, especially those i love.......

Singapore Airlines

Gosh, this is my 5th blog for today. You can see that i'm really bored huh.

Was surfing through friendster n facebook and looking through frens' profiles to see how are people getting along in singapore. Browse through Jovi's profile n blog. Got to know her from my last interview with SQ. She didn't make it through as well, so we went for breakfast together after the interview. As u can guess, she tried again from the SQ intake at TP n now she has already started flying.

Everyone gets in n it pisses me off. Looking at how her life is, i have a sourish feeling again. The feeling of regret. Tat's really a very big regret in my life. It's very unhealthy, but i dun seem to be able to get rid of that feeling. Despite the fact that i'm living a good life now, i am still unable to remove the horrible fact that i'm a rejected item of SQ...

Sometimes i wonder if i could make it if i try again. But it's really too dreadful. Somehow giving up my life here and in the end not getting it, is just too scary a thought. It's big contradiction for me....

Man, i hate SQ....

So sweet.... for once....

"I'm a thousand miles away but girl tonight you look so pretty, yes you do."
Uhhhhhh......... so sweet....... u're sure u're talking abt me huh.....
Haha..... duh.....

Jet Lagged.... Not....

I woke up at 8am AUH time. Can't go back to sleep. Initially i tot it was jet-lag from my LHR flight, but come to think abt it, LHR time is 4am, thus it's definitely not from the jet-lag.

Been having sleeping problem heh. Bad bad... Hopefully i can slim down from the lack of sleep, but probability is extremely low, all i'd get is darker eye circles.*DAMN*

Will be off for this 2 days. Planning to get some stuff for my humble home. Probably some paintings for the wall, some appliances and stuff. I just need to spend money. Super craving to buy things.

Finally will be using the movie tickets tat was given by the management. Why? cos i had a compliment letter. wahaha.... cos i'm good, that's why i get to watch free movie. It shall be my first movie for half a year, n also my first movie in UAE... Cheers...

London bridge makes me fall down....

Haha, life is indeed full of suprises. All of a sudden, anything can happen.

Swapped my Khi, Dmm n Stby for a London flight from 31st oct to 2nd nov. It's a nice swap, cos Layover always more money ma, plus the amount of work is lesser too. It's my first swap n i was really excited about it. But, 31st is Halloween night n there's a party at Zenith which i tot was really interesting. Went to the doctor to check out my ankle n was really tempted to get MC, but in the end, without matching my character, i chose not to take mc.

As fated as can be, Peng got called up from standby for London flight. He arrived earlier than me n had a longer layover. It was so nice to see him there. N the best part was, we met Jasmine at his hotel lobby when she checked in yesterday night from another london flight as well.

I couldn't believe how coincidental everything was. It was a nice simple trip. We didn't do anything great, but the accompaniment itself was good enough.

Although evertything sounded nice, i had to spend 45pounds(equivalent to ard 140SGD) on the taxi fare back from his hotel to my hotel right before my pick up time.. Till now, my heart is still aching... hmmm.... guess it's always a win n lose situation huh.....

Hmm.... if it's true, wat would it mean???

A Romance will begin to develop rapidly and bring you unspeakable joys. Don't let yourself be overcome by your concerns, profit by the pleasures which life offers you. Make a draining of your entire digestive tract by drinking much plain water. You'll feel a great desire to strengthen family ties. You'll want to charm, you'll be enthusiastic, reacting with much kindness and delicacy.

Last day of October.... Ending in an unhappy or happy mood...

Prepare your timetable with care and stick to it without fantasy. Routine work will be richly rewarded this time. Numerous material problems in perspective: breakdowns, outages, delays, losses, dysfunction of appliances, etc.; you'll be very much inclined to get all worked up and to give everyone a roasting; but you can also, more intelligently, take the situation with humor and laugh about it. An ideal day for contacts, small trips, appointments, relations, leisure, relaxation, pleasant outings.

Going DOWNslope again.....

Supposed to be having good mood. Nothing much fluctuated in my life, so things supposedly should be as cheerful as it had been. For no reason, my mood swings again.

Feeling down, feel like crying, feeling lonely and feeling helplessly lifeless again. Things have been going on fine. Felt like i was on cloud nine everyday. Full of energy and happy as can be. Suddenly attacked by the mood swinger.

The guests on board were almost murdered by me. I really pity them to see that customer-unfriendly side of me, but can't be helped. I've to apologise for my unprofessionalism here.

Probably having PMS, tat's why.
It sucked, i swear....

No Grooming Standard???

I reckon tat i have a very high standard in my grooming every single time i go to work. I'll put on very heavy eye shadows to make sure tat it can be seen from 10 metres away. My lipsticks are dark brown n i'll make sure tat my blushers make me look as radiant as possible. I cut off my hair during my flying career, reason being i dun like to tie and spray, and on the other hand, it's much easier to maintain. But i can't believe tat i was caught today by the bitch grooming officer saying that my hair is messy and falling all over my face!!!

I have seriously been very confident of my grooming. And till now, i still can't accept the fact tat i might be written in due to grooming. Disappointment....

I'm waiting for my someone....

It's so nice to know i've got a Hand to Hold
As the paths i chose begin to Unfold
Whether scary or pleasure, be it nightmare or dream
In the dark of My loneliness, You are my Sunbeam
You took my hand when no one else would
And made me feel like no one else could
In the Midst of darkness, You brought me the light
When Life left me grounded, You set me Aflight
I love you, I need you to know tat i Care
In your hour of need, it's me who will be there
Always i'll be your shoulder to cry on
Always i'll be the One you rely on....

Not my fault to spend so much... horoscope says so.....

You'll show much sympathy and kindness to people around you. It'll be stronger than you: you won't be able to resist the pleasure of buying everything that you like, from the most insignificant thing to the most beautiful object of collection. You'll have to dominate your enormous appetite; if you can't manage it, watch out for various health complications! Don't make any confidences, because they could set off conversations and cause you irreparable damages. Your life as a couple will be very pleasant if you pay attention to your remarks.

Knitting Day 1

Wahaha.... Janice knitting like an old granny, can u just imagine... Started my knitting yesterday evening, n so far so good. At least there's a little bit of progress now. Managed to see something coming out of it...

Feeling peaceful and in good mood everyday nowadays, but with a bit of creepy feeling creeping in as well. Can't help to think that something weird is gonna happen. To my relationship again, of course, wat else can i think about?

The more peaceful my mind gets, the worse the situation's gonna be. It means that i'm starting to not bother about it anymore? I hope not......

Horoscope....

If you've had some misunderstandings with the man (woman) of your life, hurry up and try to seek reconciliation. Your finances will be unstable: Curb your expenses. Be generous toward other people. The sociable and open side to your personality will be strengthened; you'll feel at ease everywhere and you'll get numerous compliments.

New hobby searching day....

Finally bought a knitting book today. I love to browse around in bookshops. So many different types of interesting stuff. But i still prefer books tat are more feminine, like cookbooks, r/s, exercises, dieting, hobbies, arts n craft etc. Something i can read and do.

Went to somewhere i dun even know and bought some knitting tools n walked all the way back home.... dun even know the way, but just walk.... haha..... cos i guess my name is janice chan yan li.... always doing weird stuff....

gonna learn new things. and to start off, i'll learn knitting..... let's hope i'll be able to knit out something decent... haa

Feeling confident? feeling confused......

Went to Rockbottom just now, and it's the first time i've been there since long before Ramadan. It's been quite a while, n it's been a long time since i challenged pool in front of so many people.

Have been consistently taking Hydroxy cut n doing exercises *happy*, therefore i cant drink alcohol. That's good, cos it forced me to be a much healthier person. but becos of that, i dun have the alcohol in me to boost my courage to play the game, cos everyone's watching n i felt super duper pressurised. I swear i've never played so horribly in my entire life. I can't get in the simplest ball and my heart pumped like crazy.

I should really buck up my skill n beat the guys again. I'm playing just too horribly. I'm such an egoistic gal n i just need to beat the stinky men to make myself feel better. It was such an embarrassment just now... gosh...

Have been having too little beauty sleep. Missed almost 2 nights of sleep, cos i went to Dubai to visit Zann immediately after my flight yesterday. She seemed so lost being the only one in her batch to stay in her building. Tat's a bad beginning to start off in a totally new environment. I was so shagged, but i still went, cos i was really worried about her. Young uncle Yip came to AUH for flight, therefore he went along with me.

His company was great for this 2 days. He's really a nice guy, chatty, gentleman, funny and just simply nice. The only Mr nice man i've seen so far and i'm proud to be related to him. I even went to his hotel to use the gym n pool, and he had to wait for me to finish my session before he could sign me out and go to bed. Not very nice of me to bother him so much.

He passed some stuff to me from my mummy, n gonna help me to pass some stuff to Zito when he's back in Sg... Guess he won't dare to come to AUH again... haha... but it's been really nice of him.

He even open both his ears to listen to my complains and everything i went through in my relationship. And coincidentally, zito is not being very nice again. He seemed to be hidding something from me, not picking my call and sounded guilty when he called me in the gents, n not very willing to tell me who he was with n where he was.. n made me guess n paranoid as usual, n in the end told me that he met up with a gal n her batchmates tat he flew with previously, in the middle of the night.

Wat a big change in Mr Peng. He used to be a cinderella boy, falling asleep at midnight, not willing to meet up with people, doesn't enjoy chatting with others, and especially not very close to girls... I feel that we're really drifting away... I wanted to go back to singapore so badly, only becos of him, but he made me wonder if i should really do so. Giving up my life here for something i not sure anymore.

i really dun mind the big change in him, at least it's for the better, but i really need him to show me that he needs me as much as i want him. But he's really reluctant n i'm afraid to ask, fearing that the answer is not wat i want. I'm feeling confused n in an extreme dilemma... it sucks and i hate it.....

Singapore......... Not.........

Just came home from the airport. Went all the way to submit a swap form to OCC. In the end, it's not approved. I was so happy tat someone is willing to give me her Sin/Bne flight for tis coming sunday. n i tot i'll be able to go home for 5 days, in the end....... haiz......

The past few days has been nice.... good mood, high spirit.... things going smoothly in most aspect.... not able to swap the flight is so far the only disappointment. But i guess i've been drinking and partying a little too much...

Bought hydroxy cut yesterday and took one pill immediately last night. Went zenith after tat, which was not the original plan, and of course, drank alcohol... i guess it's the combi of the pill and the drink that almost took my life.. haha...

Woke up at 8 in the morning and started puking non stop... there's basically nothing in my stomach to puke but i just kept puking.... i swear i almost died... but this should stop me from touching alcohol for a while.....

i've been trying to keep my eyes shut for a while... hoping that things will work out in our r/s... so far so good... but still cant help to worry. really have the urge to go home n try SQ again, but the tot of trying again dreads me from going back.. plus, we just got a salary adjustment in EY, thus i'm really tempted to stay on here..

Another person ask me to give it up.. Saying tat cabin crews are all the same and tat i'm wasting my time and effort... i'm not sure if my decision is definitely gonna bring me a happy ending, but i'm definitely sick and tired of listening to all those negative suggestions.....

Eid Mubarak

In preparation to go to dubai in a while. It's the second day of Eid, which is how they call hari raya here. So it's the start of a new clubbing season. Everyone has been deprived from the clubbing life for a month, so finally, freedom arrive.

One whole month of fasting. Not being able to go clubbing, no alcohol, and the worse is, no eating in public in daylight hours. Gosh, that's restriction to human freedom.

Later, i'll be going to dubai for the first time since training at emirates training centre. Along with Filzah, Shah, Khaled and Filzah's fren, Aymen(or something like tat). It sounds interesting, especially when it's my first trip there. I hope it's gonna be a nice trip.

Came back from Munich last night, and went to Zenith with shah and filzah. Looking at how the people go crazy drinking, guess these people were really too deprived of alcohol. Everyone were dead drunk, and the bar were in a mess.

Munich was nice, but i spent quite a lot of money. I can't believe i left my shoe bag at home, thus i have to buy a pair of shoes before going for the castle trip with some colleagues. It was really cold there, therefore i ended up buying a pair of boots, cos it's been something i wanted for quite a while.

Spent a total of 900plus AED... *faint*

Now it's time to really save some money again. Hope i can struggle through with the little money left for now... haha...

Sheraton Day....

My body clock was totally opposite yesterday, thus i forced myself to stay awake til night time, so tat i can adjust back to the correct timing. In the end, i slept at 6plus last night and woke up this morning at 7am... The first time ever to wake up so early, just becos i slept too much...

Was really bored. Been watching the taiwanese drama the whole of yesterday, and continue watching another new drama since tis morning, but it was kinda boring. In the end, i decided to do something constructive...

Checked out all the hotel tat has Crew discount and made calls to compare the prices. Eventually chose Sheraton at Corniche. It's 40AED for daily entrance for crew, the normal rate is 100AED.

So i went to the gym for almost an hour, followed by the sauna for 15mins, then to the beach for almost another hr. I should have gone earlier to catch the hot sun. By the time i started Sun-tanning, it's already evening sun. But i enjoyed the not-so-hot sun very much. Went for a dip in the water as well. It was very clear and clean. They even have a floating deck that i swam to and u can just relax on it...

I spent the whole afternoon there, and it felt really good. Finally i found something to do in AUH. I will be having more visits there in time to come. And probably join kayaking and learn squash there as well....

Drama Craze.....

I'm incredibly horrible... Due to the boredom at home, i finished the 20 episodes of one of the Taiwanese Drama serial in Youtube within a day.

It's nice to watch drama, especially those love stories. Maybe it's because i've watched too many love drama, that i'm so stubborn in my relationship... haha.... always looking for a princess kinda ending in my love life. Not giving up and holding on, looking forward to a happy ending...

Slow death....

Been 3 days since i left Singapore. Went to Paris the night after i reach AUH and came back this morning. It was a tiring period for me, both physically and mentally.

The 9 days slot in singapore was exhausting, cos i had very little sleep, as i really wanted to maximise my time in SG. And immediately after i came back from the flight, i had a 12hrs Paris Layover. Paris used to be a 24hr layover, now it's changed to 12, can't believe it.

I even went to gym during my stay. Wanted to go to Eiffel tower, but no one wanna go due to the very short time, thus i only get to spend some time in gym. On standby again tmr, wonder what horrible flight they will give me again. Keep my fingers crossed. But the good news is, our salary is going to raise quite alot. Looking forward to it.

I've really tormented myself enough during the past few weeks. Drowning myself in sorrow, feeling depressed all the time. Vexing over the same problem. Now i'm back here, not having the same kinda feeling anymore. I'm feeling really tired and quite emotionless now.

Too much of sadness will end up numbing the feelings. Thus i'm really over-exhausted and not very much thinking about things anymore. I'm not even viewing both their friendster profiles and other stalking activities anymore.

Guess everyone is right, it's really better not knowing so much. I used to think that if it's the truth, i have to know. And after knowing, it led to so many actions that eventually pushed him away, making everyone step more difficult. And the worst part is, i'm unable to do anything despite knowing so much.

Now, i only hope for things to be better. I dun wanna know anything anymore. I just wanna live life a more peaceful way. I'm really tired, mentally. If it's not gonna work out, like wat 99% of the people think, then be it. I'm really tired, not gonna try anymore stunts anymore...

If a slow death is wat it is, then there's nothing much i can do too. I've done my best...

Brisbane via Singapore

Currently in the crew lounge in Brisbane. Will be staying here for another day tmr and leaving the morning after. Hope i'll have a good time here, but by far, i'm still vexing over watever tat happened in Singapore.

I was really lucky to have gotten the Sin Bne Flight. It's a 9 days slot and by far the best layover in the entire flight roster that crew scheduling can assign. I was so excited initially to have gotten this flight cos i'll have a total of 4 days layover in singapore. But after the break up, i dun think it's such a good idea to be home now...

Had my first 24hr layover yesterday in singapore, and it turned out to be another nightmare. I went to his place cos i wanted to take back my belongings. In the end, i thought that i should just take back wat i need to use, thinking that there might be chances getting back together. Then i went to read his MSN history. And to my suprise, he has been chatting with tat bitch almost everyday for hrs.... Wat a disappointment.

I really thought tat he'd at least feel sad about the break up and kinda avoid tat girl a bit, but he seemed to be doing so fine without me and enjoying every moment of company with a bitch! She's quite an attractive and nice girl i would say, but her actions now not only pissed me off, but made me feel that she's just another typical SQ BITCH! How can she come in between her friend and gf when she knows that their relationship is in a crisis becos of her?

I can't believe tat the boyfriend i've trusted so much to not repeat his mistake again, will actually let me down once again... I've not listen to watever others have told me, but to follow my feelings to wanna get back to him. But once and again, he just continue to disappoint me with his actions.

I've already analysed to him so clearly of wat's going on, it's really up to him to decide before i finally leave him for good...

I'm still not over the vexing feelings, but i still hope that my stay in BNE will turn out to be nice.....

Not Letting me Off.... torturing myself.....

Have been feeling better for the past few days. Going for nice SIG flights, meeting nice colleagues, going out with frens and so on. But all of a sudden, popped out a "VIN"...

Really wanted to continue my life and have been telling myself to let nature takes it's course. What's meant to be, is meant to be. If it's mine, it'll come back to me, but before all that, i must move on with my life. Can't continue weeping at home and not doing other stuff.

It's good that i've severed ties with him, so that i can force myself to not think so much. Although i'll still be really tempted to call him, find out how he's doing and wat he's been up to, i have not much ways to go about doing it, thus things will definitely fade off easier. As things seemed to be slightly brighter, Vin called.

I was shocked, suprised and speechless initially. Had the thought of ignoring him, but i thought tat i'm still a nice person afterall, and it's been such a long time together, i feel obliged to entertain his friends.

Spent quite some effort and money this 2 days, trying very hard to make him feel welcome. I was quite glad that i was able to talk to him and try to bring him around. Today, i was supposed to acc him to some safari desert tour, but i was really tired after forcing myself up from bed and sleeping late last night to entertain him, thus i invited him over for dinner.

Bought loads of stuff from the supermarket, and invited some other people to come over as well, so tat it wouldn't be too boring over dinner. Felt so tired carrying the heavy groceries and having to walk such a long way back home. Made a mess in the kitchen; smoke, oil and horrible smell spreaded all over the house, even to my room. And in the end, he didn't even appear.

It's really alright if he didn't come, but he could've at least call to inform me. The whole thing was really prepared for him. I wouldn't even bother to cook anything if it wasn't for Vin. I was really sleepy and tired and dun even have strength to do anything. And in the end, i did everything for nothing. Wasted my time, my money, my effort and some more tears...

I really dunno wat i'm doing. I shouldn't have done anything. I shouldn't feel obliged to do anything. I have nothing to do with him anymore. But just when i'm feeling better, he sent someone to ruin my life again.

I've been asking for opinions and advise from everyone i could and 90% of reply i got is to forget him. I am really upset with myself for being so useless. I feel helpless and lost. And i'm really sad when i found out that even Vin knows that he likes Khim. He knew it all along, but refuse to tell me the truth, and i stupidly thought that he was unsure of his feelings.

I love him so much... that i really hate him so much... i hate myself for loving him and torturing myself...

Nice flight, calm day...

Just came back from another turnaround flight. It was a good flight, an easy flight with nice crew. But the flight was supposed to be very short, in the end, the landing was delayed for an hour due to the heavy fog.

Yesterday was a calm day. Nothing much happened. Stayed at home the whole day surfing the net till the evening. Got kinda bored, so called mum to ask her to chat with me. Right before she video called me, a handful of peopls suddenly either call me on my phone or wanted to talk to me on msn. I gotta type and talk on the phone at the same time. Guess everyone sensed tat i was bored.

Prior to that, i chatted with Quan, zhou's buddy. I told him wat happened and he seemed as disappointed as i was. But it was really nice talking to him. He made sense in everything he said, and through the conversation, i found out that his perspective in love is extremely similar to me. Maybe like he said, we are both taureans. Even as his buddy, he advised me to move on. Seeing how he look at me, i think i'll look back at myself the same way he look at me now, being stupid if i hang on.

When i was chatting half way with my mum, Shah came over from his building. He brought a packet of fried rice that he bought near my place and forced me to share it with him. He has been around this few days to see what i was going through, even gayle was not there for me, cos she's away with her bf, thus he was angry that i have not been eating much. It's really nice to have someone there who cares for u during ur down period..

As i was talking to mummy about the never-ending topic, stupid shah just sat there and listen, therefore i ended the conversation very shortly after he came. He has a lot to comment on, as usual, he is one of those who'll nag at me to try and let me give up type. Saying the usual stuff like i should do this and not do that, SQ guys this, SQ guys that.. Gosh wat a naggy old man, guess he forgot that he was from SQ too...

He scooped out a big plate of fried rice and forced me to swallow everything. And at least i managed to finish more than 2third of it. Well done shah! I haven eaten rice for many days. After that, we watched "The Fantastic Four" that he borrowed from Cat. Well, we were supposed to be watching the dvd, but i ended up chatting with other frens on msn. He stayed at my place all the way till before i went for my turnaround.

It was a nice and peaceful day for me, i really hope that my heart will not ache so much anymore, like Junie, crying everyday, especially at night. Maybe i should just find a duty boyfriend here, whether or not i can fall for him. Just someone who will care for me and give me attention. Suddenly i envy Gayle and Filzah a lot...

The Long Good Bye..... ......

I know they say if you love somebody
You should set them free
But it sure is hard to do
Yeah, it sure is hard to do

And I know they say if they don't come back again
Then it's meant to be
But those words ain't pulling me through
Cos I'm still in love with you

I spend each day here waiting for a miracle
But it's just you and me going through the mill
Climbing up a hill

This is the long goodbye
Somebody tell me why
Two lovers in love can't make it
Just wat kinda love keeps breaking a heart?
No matter how hard I try
You're gonna make me cry
Come on baby, it's over let's face it
All that's happening here is a long goodbye

Sometimes I ask my heart did we really
Give our love a chance
And I know withour a doubt
I turned it inside out

And if we walked away
Would make more sense
But it tears me up inside
Just to think we still could try
How long must we keep riding on a carousel?
Going round and round and never getting anywhere?
On a wing and prayer

This is the long goodbye
Somebody tell me why?
Two lovers in love can't make it
Just what kinda love keeps breaking a heart?
No matter how hard I try
You're gonna make me cry
Come on baby, it's over let's face it
All that's happening here is the long goodbye.....

The long goodbye
This is the long goodbye
Someone please tell me why
Are you ever coming back again?
Guess I'm never coming back again... ... ...

Just another Bad Day...

Just came back from another bad flight. Everything seems to be going wrong again. Original flight was cancelled. Got called for BOMBAY! Ended my relationship. Stucked under the sun for an hour waiting for Bus to bring us to hotel. Mistakenly woke up 1.5hrs before wake up call. Quarrelled with a guest in front of the whole cabin and the Cabin Manager!!!!

I can't believe how down i was today. Everything just went haywire.. Kept telling myself that everything's gonna be alright, but can't help but to feel sorry for myself. It's pathetic. Cried myself to bed the night before. Woke up, though feeling down, but ready to work cos i wanted to keep my mind occupied. Can't help but to have the word "Gloomy" written over my forehead.

Reached bombay and was waiting for the bus to arrive but apparently, our bus was not arranged for us. In the end, we had to wait for more than an hour under the sun with only very little shade from the bald tree. The hotel sent a very small bus + a private car to take the whole team to Leela Hotel. And guess wat? The car ride only took less than 5mins to reach the hotel. I have no idea why they took so long to send us the transport.

All the waiting cum a bit of flight delay, shortened our rest period by almost 3hrs. At the hotel, our pick up was at 2100hrs and the wakeup call at 2000hrs local time, which is 1830hrs AUH time. As i wanted to sleep slightly longer, i usually change my wakeup call to half hr later, thus it should be 1900hrs AUH time, but i went to set it to 1900hrs local time. I was awaken by the wakeup call i set. And right before i was about to leave my room, i suddenly had a weird feeling about the extremely short time spent in the hotel, thus i called the concierge to check on the timings and realised how dumb i was...

Feeling extremely lethargic after less than an hour's rest in the hotel, we had to get back to the worst aircraft EY owns and serve a full load of indians. To make things worse, the APU was not working, and guess wat, that's the Auxilliary Power Unit that provides power to the Aircraft on ground. Therefore, all the poor crew, including myself, had to board all the guests onto an oven aircraft. All the guests were complaining and who gets the shit? ----> US!!! On top of that, the safety video was not working, thus, we had to perform our "well-practiced" life safety demonstration and sweating like a pig at the same time....... Can't Believe It!!!!

The service was a mess. Communication break down, crew unhappy with each other, showing faces to one another and all. I was trying so hard to be the middle-man, cooling them down and running around the cabin trying to help them out, so that they dun get so mad at each other. And the stupid, irritating, greedy, fucking asshole indian guests had millions of requests and complains and kept pressing the fucking call bell like they're playing some kinda music!!! The first couple of rows that i served already requested 2 to 3 kinda different drinks each. The flight was short, we dun have enough time to entertain them with so many different kind of interesting drinks man... It was so aggitating and yet we had to try to do it.

During the collection service, an asshole even blamed me for not serving his Whiskey, but my colleague had already served him.

ASSHOLE: She served me already, but u haven.
Me: Sir, i did not serve u becos i saw tat my colleague has already served u ur drink.
ASSHOLE: But i need another drink now.
Me: Sir, can i come back to u shortly.
ASSHOLE: About how long?!
Me: Maybe another 10 mins, i need to finish with my service first, we're running out of time now, i hope u understand.
ASSHOLE: But i can't finish my meal if u dun give me the whiskey...
Me: I'm sorry sir, i really need to finish my service. Anyway, why can't u swallow ur meal when u dun have the whiskey? U having some problem with ur throat???
ASSHOLE: i need the drink otherwise i cant eat. U can faster go get now and continue to
collect.
Me: I'm sorry sir, i can't do that! if u want, i can get my cabin manager to talk to u!
ASSHOLE: No, i dun wanna talk to ur Cabin Manager!
Me: I'm still very sorry sir, u just have to wait, i'm not going to explain to u anymore, if u're not happy, u can complain to my cabin manager. Anyway, at top of descend, i'll collect ur tray in preparation for landing, whether or not u have finish ur food ....

And at tis point, My Cabin Manager happen to walk towards the aft, thus i wanted to tell her wat happened...

ASSHOLE: I dun wanna talk to ur Cabin Manager!!!!!!
Me: Sir, u're not talking to her, i am talking to her!!!!!!
ASSHOLE: I dun care! I dun wanna talk to her!!!! It's ur FAULT!!!! U're wrong!!!!!
ME: Sir!!! I've not done anything wrong and it's not my fault!!!!!!

The cabin manager was shocked by the commotion and her eyes almost dropped out. Therefore, i decided that it's still better i just walk away..... He's so rude and unreasonable, I was so angry that i almost burst out crying in front of everybody. I can't believe how everything pile on top of each other that made my day really so bad. As i continued to collect the last few rows of trays, i felt like an idiot. Everything was just not right. I felt like somebody is punishing me for dunno wat reason....

I was so upset, i didn't eat anything. How was i able to swallow anything? I was shocked by how i reacted to it. I totally didn't care about the consequences and fought with the guest without holding back. I know as a service-provider, it's not right to do that. I'm not professional enough in dealing with the situation. I guess my emotions took over me again....


I am really tired.... .... When will i be able to stand up again???

The Ending and New Beginning....

Finally get to talk after the break up email. The first thing that i wanna confirm was his feelings for that girl. In the end, my instinct was right again. I'm basically a psychic.... My feelings are just so accurate.

Had a 2 hours phone call, the bill must be alot. I myself spent about 35SGD on my credit. But the money should be worth while, at least it managed to put an end to a draggy relationship. I hate to drag on and was exactly waiting for him to pour out his true feelings.

He had actually wanted to reply my email since the very moment he read, but he did not know what he wants, to hold on or to let go. Actually, if he really wanna hold on, he'd have done it easily. But if he wanna let go more, he'd find it hard to bring it across, thus it's obviously what he actually wanted.

I managed to analyse to him what he was going through. Like i told him, this is just a passing phase for him. Getting to know more people, having lots of fun, seeing and trying new things, and most importantly, meeting new girls and comparing them to me. Isn't it normal that when u first get to know a person, u'll probably not be able to see their flaws. It's only when u get to spend a lot more time with tat person tat u will be able to see everything about them, and that's describing me. And at this point in time, i bet a lot of people tat he meet will be able to be better than me in many ways. Therefore during his training, he got to be close to Khim, and inevitably he'll start comparing and falling for her. I guess it's a crush. Having feelings for her, but knowing that it probably won't work out.

To me, i think everything started off from his feelings for her. When he has that feeling, his love for me will fade away eventually. And that explains why he was not able to figure out why his feelings faded without any reason. The reason is just right there but he refused to admit to it. I am not able to be there physically to prevent this to happen, therefore there's no point hanging on, because i'll still not be around for a while. It'd probably be easier now, since they are not in training anymore, but he himself has to control his own feelings. No one else can do anything about it.

Initially when he called, i thought that we'd end it the other way round. I thought he'd try to stop me from leaving. But he didn't. I'm quite sure he'll regret very soon, but that's beside the point. Right now, i just have to move on. And due to the cause of the break up, i'll not be able to turn back anymore. Looking back 3 yrs ago at what happened, i really dun deserve to have this kinda ending again. I never thought that history will repeat itself. I was so sure of him, but i still couldn't prevent it. Yet again, i can actually understand how and why he feels for her. It's actually no big deal, but the problem is, it involved a relationship of almost 6 yrs.

He said that he realised my thinking is far more ahead than him. I didn't know that he only found tat out at this point in time. I knew it all along that my thinking is more matured than him, but i think it's normal, as i've been through more things than him too. It never came across my mind that it'd be a problem to us, as i've always been willing to accomodate to that. I'm not sure but maybe he feels the pressure.

My heart is aching right now. The thought of someone else in his heart hurts me deeply. I think that his feelings for me is stronger than for her, at least i hope that it's this way, but i'm not willing to share it with anyone else. Like i emphasized to him before, it's ok if he does something behind my back, just dun let me know, cos i can actually understand that loneliness is hard to go through, but for who he is, it's impossible for him to hide. I can analyse his feelings with every word he says or every move he makes.

With what he has done, will he ever deserve a third chance? I really need to get over him soon. I need a hero to appear right now. I can't do it myself.....

Calm day...

Went for Vaccination in the morning, my 3rd dose for twinrix. The 2nd one was 5 months ago, when i 1st came to Abu Dhabi. Well, it kinda reminded me that i'm really here for 5 months already.

Spent the rest of the day at home, and went to Al-wahda mall with filzah at night. Chatted with mum and finally told her about my story for the past few days. Didn't even realise that i have not contacted her since i came back from singapore. I was too engrossed with what's happening, plus i really really think that i was in depression, therefore didn't think of anything else except for wat i was going through.

Mum commented that i was pushing him too hard when i told her about my actions. Was quite sad to hear that though, but when i told her about the marriage topic that we discussed about, she was kinda speechless as well. Dear Huishan was online after i ended conversation with my mum, so had a chat with her too. She was very aggressive towards hoping that i'd not end my relationship. I shared my side of the story with her, but she didn't seem very agreeable, saying that i should be more understanding and stuff. I guess she doesn't exactly understand what i'm going through, but on the other hand, i started wondering if i'm really making a big fuss again.

Junie is the only one who can exactly understand how i feel. I shall have a good talk with her again tmr. Anyway, i found out that he chatted with his lovely Khim, as usual. Oops, i'm not supposed to check on him again, but i really wanna know if i made the wrong move. Anyway, i did ask him to change all his passwords but he didn't.....

I guess he just read the email i sent him. He sent me a msg saying that he did not tell anyone about the break up, everyone will know from reading my Friendster profile. I guess he's right, but still, he didn't say anything to wanna stop the break up, so isn't it agreeing to it? It's already been days.. Joker Huishan said tat i should give him a chance but i deleted him from MSN, therefore he can't contact me. I'm totally speechless, i didn't know tat msn is the only form of communication tool.

Went with Filzah to the mall at almost 10pm local time. This place is really weird, due to Ramadan, all the malls open at around 7 to 8pm, and closes from between 1 to 2am. It totally suits my body clock man. Bought some perfumed hand cream and a "book". I've not read more than 10 books in my entire life, i'm really not a fan of reading, thus it's quite a break through for me to buy a BOOK.

Bought "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus". Wat to do, i think i really have to buck up on my relationship. Like wat my mum said, i'm really a loser to always get dumped in relationships. Although i was the one who initiated it, it's not ideally my idea to do it. Hope i'll get the essence of the book and be a love expert soon. *Haa*

Hope i can finally move on....

Today is my 2nd off day, still have one more day to go. I'm glad that i'm coping better now. Not hidding in my room and tearing continuosly anymore. That few days were a nightmare for me.

Before i went for my Karachi flight on sunday, i was still tearing non-stop. Didn't even know how i managed to go for my flight. Tat was one day after i sent him the break up email. Tat morning, he asked me if i was serious about it. I replied tat i had no other choice and he said that he'd send me a reply. Despite of being incredibly upset, i still acted garang and replied him that my email did not involve any questions, meaning that he did not need to reply to it. And after tat, i've been checking my mail non-stop, but till today, he did not send anything to me, guess he took my words for it.

Before i went for that flight, i really couldn't hold myself. I called Jinglin to tell her everything, followed by a phone call to him. He did not answer cos he went for his gym training. And when i was at my lobby waiting for my bus to the airport, he called back. When i heard his voice, my tears rolled down uncontrollably again. We didn't talk much, nothing about the break up. He merely asked me to stop crying, and i told him i have nothing to say to him. And so, tat was it.

I went for my horrible Karachi flight with a horrible Singaporean bitch, Ayu, on board, and i managed to keep everything off my mind for a while. When i came back from flight, i was still feeling lost and really didn't want to stay alone at home, so i went over to shah's place with Taline and Khalid. We spent the night watching 3 dvds and after tat i felt much better.

It's really good to have people around me. It makes me feel that i'm not alone. We'd talk and joke and time passes easily tat way. After i came home from their company, i stopped thinking about nonsensical stuff and managed to move out of my depression state. I came to see that life can still be alright despite of what happened. I just have to be really determined to move on.

And so, i sent him another email yesterday, telling him that i really want to move on and since he has told his sister about wat happened, i guess he agreed to the break up. But i think till now, he hasn't read the email yet. I'm not sure exactly wat he's thinking, but for now, i still think that breaking up is the best move. Better for the both of us i guess....

He's in sydney, but he did give me a miss call yesterday, and also a call this morning. He didn't say much, so i dun really know why he called. Initially i thought it was because of the 2nd email, but apparently he hasn't read it yet. I'm really not sure if he's just calling to check on how i was doing, or did he have something to say to me. If i really want to move on, i really need his help to not contact me again. He'll definitely be able to sway my mind easily and i dun wan things to keep dragging on......... Watever it is, we'll see how it goes........

Back to reality.....

It's been such a hectic and happening week for me. The death of my grandma made me think of a lot of stuff. Like i said, like is so vulnerable. I still can't help but still thinking wat's the value of living, still can't get an answer though.

Was really depressed the past few days, ever since i came back from singapore. Most of the emotions are from the problems from my relationship. Been very paranoid ever since he told me that his love for me has faded. Hasn't been able to face the fact for a while, therefore have been locking myself in one corner of my room and stalking his every move. I am unable to trust him anymore.

He did want to try and make our relationship work out. I can definitely see his effort, but the level of trust i have for him, made me do silly stuff and i have been making big fusses over every single thing, and he's slowly unable to take it too.

I wanted to know his every move. Checking on his phone, Logging on to his email, friendster account and even msn. My actions were strangling him and our relationship as well. Guess it'll be difficult to go back to the past again. Like he said, stop looking back at the past and move on, but i really can't... Knowing him for who he was for such a long time, things have simply changed too much that i couldn't catch up anymore.


Really wanted to keep trying, after all, we've been together for a really long period of time, it's only right to give each other a chance since we've gone this far. But there are simply too many factors and there're always people coming between us that it's no longer just about the two of us.


Like wat Jasmin said, he's only just started and when he gets tired of it, he'll settle down. I just have to hang on for this period. I sincerely believe in it too, if i managed to pull through this period with him, we'll probably be together again. But i really can't take it anymore and i see no point in hanging on anymore. There's really more to life than just him. I love him so much. So much that everything else became more and more insignificant. My dreams and passion has diminished so much. But is this wat i get eventually? I definitely deserve far more than that.


I can't believe how much tears i shed this few days. I guess i really was in depression. Really had the thought of leaving everything here and go back to singapore. Afterall, i really missed everyone alot. But finally, i came back to reality. Kinda woken up by his sister. Thanks to the testimonial she's written for me in friendster. I'm just hanging on to something that i dun deserve. Like her, he's being a bad lover. If he does not know how to cherish me, then i shall just move on.

I feel that i have not been mean to him in any way, although i might not have been extremely nice to him. During our previous crisis, i was the one who had taken him for granted so badly, thus i never really blamed him for wat he did, but this time round, i really do not deserve it....

Value Love... dun let it die....

Love - even genuine love - is a fragile thing.
Like a plant, it must be watered and cultivated or it will wither and die.
It seems some newly-married couples have the misguided notion that their love will
continue to grow naturally through the years. But the truth isthat love must maintained
and protected if it's going to survive. Love can perish when a husband works 7 days a week,
or when spouses don't make the effort to communicate regularly.
The keen edge of a loving relationship may be dulled through the routine pressures of
living. As I experienced during the early days of my own marriage, I was working full-time and
trying to finish my doctorate. My wife was teaching in school and running our small house.
I remember clearly the evening I realised what this busy life was doing to our relationship.
We still loved each other, but it had been too long since we felt the spirit of warmth and
closeness. My textbooks were pushed aside that night and wewent for a long walk. The
following semester, I took fewer classes and postponed my academic goals to help
preserve what I value more highly.
Where does your marriage rank on your hierarchy of values? Does it get the
leftovers and scraps from your busy schedule or is it something of great worth,to be
supported and replenished? Let there be no misunderstanding. If left unattended,
your relationship could die a slow death, no career goal is worth that price.

Finally come to some senses....

I've been feeling really down the past week. Especially since i came back to abu dhabi. There seemed to be nothing much tat i can do except to let my mood heal by itself. But i have been feeling from bad to worse when i'm all alone in my apartment and no one to confide.

Went for the infamous Cairo flight yesterday night. Did Cairo before a few weeks ago and it was indeed a horrible experience. But to my amazement, it was a suprisingly pleasant flight. With most of the guest to be indonesians on the way up and most of the guest not having their meal, due to ramadan, on the way back, our flight turned out to be a not-at-all-Cairo flight.

I had a pleasant time with the crew as well, helping each other most of the time. I almost fainted half way through service on the first sector, reason yet to find out, therefore my colleague volunteered to do some of my tasks for me and forced me to take my meal. I thought it was really nice of her. I felt better when i was on flight, as it was a good flight and also becos i won't have time to think about negative thoughts.

But after i reached home, thoughts started building up in my mind again. I can't help me. Thought tat i might be having depression, as i was really upset about everything. I got to find out a msg that dear's batch girl sent him and i was really affected by it. Gave me a feeling that she was trying to sow discord. I dun know the real reason to the short msg yet, thus i shall not jump into conclusion, but at that point in time, i really broke down. Lucky thing is, Junie managed to come to my rescue.

She called me after we chatted awhile on msn. and we had a good talk abt our relationships with our boyfriends. Amazingly she managed to put some senses into my paranoid mind. I should just stop interfering brian's private life and trust him to do watever he's doing. if he can be affected by others so easily then it just shows that our relationship is not meant to be. I am learning not to look back at the happy memories and feel sad about the current state of our relationship, on the other hand, i should look ahead and move towards the direction that will make me happy so that i'll have more wonderful memories i the future...

No matter wat happens, it's gonna be about me, not him or us or anyone else....

I miss home...

It's been 2 days since i'm back from singapore. I have been feeling very upset about what happened and have been very emotional over everything... Life, Love and death.

I locked myself in my room and surf the internet all the time. I can't think of anything else to do. Abu Dhabi is really a boring place and i dun even have a single true friend whom i can confide. I miss everything about singapore.

The only thing i can think about is my relationship. It hasn't been very healthy since i came here. I'm really afraid of losing this relationship of almost 6 years. I dread the thought of having to be with someone new again. Going through the courtship period is nice, but having to understand another person all over and adapting to his flaws is not something that i wanna do.

I became very paranoid. Brian is very irritated by my paranoid behaviour. He said that he's making effort to make our relationship work out and repeatedly assured me that everything will be fine, but i kept doubting and checking on him. He said i should move on and not always bring up the unhappy things that happened between us previously. But can he really understand what i'm going through? He hurt me really deeply the past 2 months and to me, tat's still the present, it's not over yet.

I guess it'll not be over unless i go back to singapore for good. I feel extremely insecure after wat he said previously. Plus the fact that he's with SQ now, he is exposed to all the temptations. I used to trust him so much, but not anymore. Trust really needs to be earned...

I have the urge to leave everything here and run back to singapore. but i really cant. I have to face the reality and be more practical. I can't leave like what farhana did. She regretted in the end as well. It's really a silly thing to do before making enough money. Moreover, there's really nothing much i can do if i go back to singapore now. I'll die if i get another office job...

The conclusion is, i have to save enough money as soon as possible, then will i be able to go back to my beloved home... i hope tat'll not be too late to salvage my relationship. Wat's meant to be is meant to be..... let's hope he has the fortune to have me as his wife......

Life & Love

“The greatest regrets in our lives are the risks we
did not take.
If u think something will make u happy, go for it.
Remember that we pass this way only once.”

“Respect him for who he is, and not what you want him
to be.
Everyone is pretty and special in his own way.
No one is perfect.
It is true love that closes the gap of imperfectness
to form a smooth
surface of acceptance for each other.
True love sees and accepts a person for who he is.
It is also true love which makes a person change for
the better.
The power of true love to a person is undeniable.

“It’s so funny how we set qualifications for the right
person to love,
while at the back of our minds we know the person we
truly love
will always be an exception.”

“The greatest thing ever, is to be able to get up
whenever you fall
and get back to reality.
Get on with life, never look back, never regret…

Life is so vulnerable

It's been a very sad week for me. My maternal grandma passed away 7 days ago. I did managed to rush back for her funeral but i was late a few mins to meet her before her last breathe.

The funeral lasted for 6 days in total and my family had to attend the wake everyday. It hurts me a lot seeing my mum grief over the lost of her mother and still had to continue working non-stop. I told her to take a break but she refused. She is such a strong woman and i am really proud of her.

It sets me thinking that life is really vulnerable. A few days before grandma died, the doctor said that her lung cancer is at the 2nd stage and she had 80% chance of recovery, but 3 days after that, she passed away.

We always hear people saying that life is short, we should treasure wat we have. You never know wat will happen as life is really full of unexpected suprises. I started being really paranoid after wat happened to grandma. I kept imagining a lot of "wat ifs". What if it happens to my mum, dad, brian or anyone else really close to me. I dun think i'll be able to handle like my mum. I definitely will not be able to continue my work for a period of time.

Due to the emotional attack of all the imagination i had, i became really frighten to lose my family. I became so emotional that i dun wanna leave home. I dun wanna go back to Abu Dhabi. I wanna be with my boyfriend.

Now i'm at KL airport waiting for my flight back, and i'm feeling horrible. I can feel the tears rushing out almost anytime but there's nothing much i can do about it. Realistically, i have to get back to work and carry on with my life, but i'm really having some kinda emotional break down now.

I should be the one comforting my mum, but it seems like i need people to comfort me instead. To make things worse, i'm having rashes all over my body now and it really doesn't feel very good.

I wanna go home and i miss everyone already... ...

Human Nature

Giving is a form of art. It's not about having and owning. It is hard to give and expect no return. To give without having any return is the highest form of love. But is human being able to do that?

Well, i guess i've only really seen it in movies. Usually when someone broke a person's heart by leaving him, they'll end up not being able to be friends anymore.

I am surrounded in a world of artificial beings. Everyone is acting to be nice to each other, when most of the time, they're talking behind each other's back(that's most of the time referring to the same sex). As for opposite sex, they'll usually try to take advantage of each other.

Guys will always be nice to the girls. and wat they want in return? needless to say. It disgusts me most of the times, of the things guys do to make a girl like them or even look at them. and after getting wat they want, everything's over.

In a place where i'm staying now, most of the people around are lonely souls. We do not have our real friends or family around, therefore we'll turn to whoever tat comes to us, be it real friends or hypocrites. And those who can't stay in their real self, will turn themselves to the devils around them. It's definitely nice to have the attention of others, but they are not there to stay, just some fakers trying to take advantage. I've really seen enough and i shall not fall into such a trap myself.

The sad thing is, i feel that even the one whom i love, dun seem to love me anymore. Guys are after all guys. Their hormones seems to have something wrong. When they are exposed to more "things", in this case, women, they just can't help it.

The more u dun have something, the more u wanna get it. That's probably how i'm feeling towards my relationship. I figured out it's human nature to behave this way. When u dun get something, that thing seems to be the best in the world, but after u get it, u'll take it for granted. I dun know if my love is real. I just hate it when it seemed so difficult to maintain.

I'm really tired of all the problems that guys and girls are having and i really need a break....