Currently in the crew lounge in Brisbane. Will be staying here for another day tmr and leaving the morning after. Hope i'll have a good time here, but by far, i'm still vexing over watever tat happened in Singapore.
I was really lucky to have gotten the Sin Bne Flight. It's a 9 days slot and by far the best layover in the entire flight roster that crew scheduling can assign. I was so excited initially to have gotten this flight cos i'll have a total of 4 days layover in singapore. But after the break up, i dun think it's such a good idea to be home now...
Had my first 24hr layover yesterday in singapore, and it turned out to be another nightmare. I went to his place cos i wanted to take back my belongings. In the end, i thought that i should just take back wat i need to use, thinking that there might be chances getting back together. Then i went to read his MSN history. And to my suprise, he has been chatting with tat bitch almost everyday for hrs.... Wat a disappointment.
I really thought tat he'd at least feel sad about the break up and kinda avoid tat girl a bit, but he seemed to be doing so fine without me and enjoying every moment of company with a bitch! She's quite an attractive and nice girl i would say, but her actions now not only pissed me off, but made me feel that she's just another typical SQ BITCH! How can she come in between her friend and gf when she knows that their relationship is in a crisis becos of her?
I can't believe tat the boyfriend i've trusted so much to not repeat his mistake again, will actually let me down once again... I've not listen to watever others have told me, but to follow my feelings to wanna get back to him. But once and again, he just continue to disappoint me with his actions.
I've already analysed to him so clearly of wat's going on, it's really up to him to decide before i finally leave him for good...
I'm still not over the vexing feelings, but i still hope that my stay in BNE will turn out to be nice.....
Saturday, 29 September 2007
Wednesday, 26 September 2007
Not Letting me Off.... torturing myself.....
Have been feeling better for the past few days. Going for nice SIG flights, meeting nice colleagues, going out with frens and so on. But all of a sudden, popped out a "VIN"...
Really wanted to continue my life and have been telling myself to let nature takes it's course. What's meant to be, is meant to be. If it's mine, it'll come back to me, but before all that, i must move on with my life. Can't continue weeping at home and not doing other stuff.
It's good that i've severed ties with him, so that i can force myself to not think so much. Although i'll still be really tempted to call him, find out how he's doing and wat he's been up to, i have not much ways to go about doing it, thus things will definitely fade off easier. As things seemed to be slightly brighter, Vin called.
I was shocked, suprised and speechless initially. Had the thought of ignoring him, but i thought tat i'm still a nice person afterall, and it's been such a long time together, i feel obliged to entertain his friends.
Spent quite some effort and money this 2 days, trying very hard to make him feel welcome. I was quite glad that i was able to talk to him and try to bring him around. Today, i was supposed to acc him to some safari desert tour, but i was really tired after forcing myself up from bed and sleeping late last night to entertain him, thus i invited him over for dinner.
Bought loads of stuff from the supermarket, and invited some other people to come over as well, so tat it wouldn't be too boring over dinner. Felt so tired carrying the heavy groceries and having to walk such a long way back home. Made a mess in the kitchen; smoke, oil and horrible smell spreaded all over the house, even to my room. And in the end, he didn't even appear.
It's really alright if he didn't come, but he could've at least call to inform me. The whole thing was really prepared for him. I wouldn't even bother to cook anything if it wasn't for Vin. I was really sleepy and tired and dun even have strength to do anything. And in the end, i did everything for nothing. Wasted my time, my money, my effort and some more tears...
I really dunno wat i'm doing. I shouldn't have done anything. I shouldn't feel obliged to do anything. I have nothing to do with him anymore. But just when i'm feeling better, he sent someone to ruin my life again.
I've been asking for opinions and advise from everyone i could and 90% of reply i got is to forget him. I am really upset with myself for being so useless. I feel helpless and lost. And i'm really sad when i found out that even Vin knows that he likes Khim. He knew it all along, but refuse to tell me the truth, and i stupidly thought that he was unsure of his feelings.
I love him so much... that i really hate him so much... i hate myself for loving him and torturing myself...
Really wanted to continue my life and have been telling myself to let nature takes it's course. What's meant to be, is meant to be. If it's mine, it'll come back to me, but before all that, i must move on with my life. Can't continue weeping at home and not doing other stuff.
It's good that i've severed ties with him, so that i can force myself to not think so much. Although i'll still be really tempted to call him, find out how he's doing and wat he's been up to, i have not much ways to go about doing it, thus things will definitely fade off easier. As things seemed to be slightly brighter, Vin called.
I was shocked, suprised and speechless initially. Had the thought of ignoring him, but i thought tat i'm still a nice person afterall, and it's been such a long time together, i feel obliged to entertain his friends.
Spent quite some effort and money this 2 days, trying very hard to make him feel welcome. I was quite glad that i was able to talk to him and try to bring him around. Today, i was supposed to acc him to some safari desert tour, but i was really tired after forcing myself up from bed and sleeping late last night to entertain him, thus i invited him over for dinner.
Bought loads of stuff from the supermarket, and invited some other people to come over as well, so tat it wouldn't be too boring over dinner. Felt so tired carrying the heavy groceries and having to walk such a long way back home. Made a mess in the kitchen; smoke, oil and horrible smell spreaded all over the house, even to my room. And in the end, he didn't even appear.
It's really alright if he didn't come, but he could've at least call to inform me. The whole thing was really prepared for him. I wouldn't even bother to cook anything if it wasn't for Vin. I was really sleepy and tired and dun even have strength to do anything. And in the end, i did everything for nothing. Wasted my time, my money, my effort and some more tears...
I really dunno wat i'm doing. I shouldn't have done anything. I shouldn't feel obliged to do anything. I have nothing to do with him anymore. But just when i'm feeling better, he sent someone to ruin my life again.
I've been asking for opinions and advise from everyone i could and 90% of reply i got is to forget him. I am really upset with myself for being so useless. I feel helpless and lost. And i'm really sad when i found out that even Vin knows that he likes Khim. He knew it all along, but refuse to tell me the truth, and i stupidly thought that he was unsure of his feelings.
I love him so much... that i really hate him so much... i hate myself for loving him and torturing myself...
Saturday, 22 September 2007
Nice flight, calm day...
Just came back from another turnaround flight. It was a good flight, an easy flight with nice crew. But the flight was supposed to be very short, in the end, the landing was delayed for an hour due to the heavy fog.
Yesterday was a calm day. Nothing much happened. Stayed at home the whole day surfing the net till the evening. Got kinda bored, so called mum to ask her to chat with me. Right before she video called me, a handful of peopls suddenly either call me on my phone or wanted to talk to me on msn. I gotta type and talk on the phone at the same time. Guess everyone sensed tat i was bored.
Prior to that, i chatted with Quan, zhou's buddy. I told him wat happened and he seemed as disappointed as i was. But it was really nice talking to him. He made sense in everything he said, and through the conversation, i found out that his perspective in love is extremely similar to me. Maybe like he said, we are both taureans. Even as his buddy, he advised me to move on. Seeing how he look at me, i think i'll look back at myself the same way he look at me now, being stupid if i hang on.
When i was chatting half way with my mum, Shah came over from his building. He brought a packet of fried rice that he bought near my place and forced me to share it with him. He has been around this few days to see what i was going through, even gayle was not there for me, cos she's away with her bf, thus he was angry that i have not been eating much. It's really nice to have someone there who cares for u during ur down period..
As i was talking to mummy about the never-ending topic, stupid shah just sat there and listen, therefore i ended the conversation very shortly after he came. He has a lot to comment on, as usual, he is one of those who'll nag at me to try and let me give up type. Saying the usual stuff like i should do this and not do that, SQ guys this, SQ guys that.. Gosh wat a naggy old man, guess he forgot that he was from SQ too...
He scooped out a big plate of fried rice and forced me to swallow everything. And at least i managed to finish more than 2third of it. Well done shah! I haven eaten rice for many days. After that, we watched "The Fantastic Four" that he borrowed from Cat. Well, we were supposed to be watching the dvd, but i ended up chatting with other frens on msn. He stayed at my place all the way till before i went for my turnaround.
It was a nice and peaceful day for me, i really hope that my heart will not ache so much anymore, like Junie, crying everyday, especially at night. Maybe i should just find a duty boyfriend here, whether or not i can fall for him. Just someone who will care for me and give me attention. Suddenly i envy Gayle and Filzah a lot...
Yesterday was a calm day. Nothing much happened. Stayed at home the whole day surfing the net till the evening. Got kinda bored, so called mum to ask her to chat with me. Right before she video called me, a handful of peopls suddenly either call me on my phone or wanted to talk to me on msn. I gotta type and talk on the phone at the same time. Guess everyone sensed tat i was bored.
Prior to that, i chatted with Quan, zhou's buddy. I told him wat happened and he seemed as disappointed as i was. But it was really nice talking to him. He made sense in everything he said, and through the conversation, i found out that his perspective in love is extremely similar to me. Maybe like he said, we are both taureans. Even as his buddy, he advised me to move on. Seeing how he look at me, i think i'll look back at myself the same way he look at me now, being stupid if i hang on.
When i was chatting half way with my mum, Shah came over from his building. He brought a packet of fried rice that he bought near my place and forced me to share it with him. He has been around this few days to see what i was going through, even gayle was not there for me, cos she's away with her bf, thus he was angry that i have not been eating much. It's really nice to have someone there who cares for u during ur down period..
As i was talking to mummy about the never-ending topic, stupid shah just sat there and listen, therefore i ended the conversation very shortly after he came. He has a lot to comment on, as usual, he is one of those who'll nag at me to try and let me give up type. Saying the usual stuff like i should do this and not do that, SQ guys this, SQ guys that.. Gosh wat a naggy old man, guess he forgot that he was from SQ too...
He scooped out a big plate of fried rice and forced me to swallow everything. And at least i managed to finish more than 2third of it. Well done shah! I haven eaten rice for many days. After that, we watched "The Fantastic Four" that he borrowed from Cat. Well, we were supposed to be watching the dvd, but i ended up chatting with other frens on msn. He stayed at my place all the way till before i went for my turnaround.
It was a nice and peaceful day for me, i really hope that my heart will not ache so much anymore, like Junie, crying everyday, especially at night. Maybe i should just find a duty boyfriend here, whether or not i can fall for him. Just someone who will care for me and give me attention. Suddenly i envy Gayle and Filzah a lot...
Friday, 21 September 2007
The Long Good Bye..... ......
I know they say if you love somebody
You should set them free
But it sure is hard to do
Yeah, it sure is hard to do
And I know they say if they don't come back again
Then it's meant to be
But those words ain't pulling me through
Cos I'm still in love with you
I spend each day here waiting for a miracle
But it's just you and me going through the mill
Climbing up a hill
This is the long goodbye
Somebody tell me why
Two lovers in love can't make it
Just wat kinda love keeps breaking a heart?
No matter how hard I try
You're gonna make me cry
Come on baby, it's over let's face it
All that's happening here is a long goodbye
Sometimes I ask my heart did we really
Give our love a chance
And I know withour a doubt
I turned it inside out
And if we walked away
Would make more sense
But it tears me up inside
Just to think we still could try
How long must we keep riding on a carousel?
Going round and round and never getting anywhere?
On a wing and prayer
This is the long goodbye
Somebody tell me why?
Two lovers in love can't make it
Just what kinda love keeps breaking a heart?
No matter how hard I try
You're gonna make me cry
Come on baby, it's over let's face it
All that's happening here is the long goodbye.....
The long goodbye
This is the long goodbye
Someone please tell me why
Are you ever coming back again?
Guess I'm never coming back again... ... ...
Just another Bad Day...
Just came back from another bad flight. Everything seems to be going wrong again. Original flight was cancelled. Got called for BOMBAY! Ended my relationship. Stucked under the sun for an hour waiting for Bus to bring us to hotel. Mistakenly woke up 1.5hrs before wake up call. Quarrelled with a guest in front of the whole cabin and the Cabin Manager!!!!
I can't believe how down i was today. Everything just went haywire.. Kept telling myself that everything's gonna be alright, but can't help but to feel sorry for myself. It's pathetic. Cried myself to bed the night before. Woke up, though feeling down, but ready to work cos i wanted to keep my mind occupied. Can't help but to have the word "Gloomy" written over my forehead.
Reached bombay and was waiting for the bus to arrive but apparently, our bus was not arranged for us. In the end, we had to wait for more than an hour under the sun with only very little shade from the bald tree. The hotel sent a very small bus + a private car to take the whole team to Leela Hotel. And guess wat? The car ride only took less than 5mins to reach the hotel. I have no idea why they took so long to send us the transport.
All the waiting cum a bit of flight delay, shortened our rest period by almost 3hrs. At the hotel, our pick up was at 2100hrs and the wakeup call at 2000hrs local time, which is 1830hrs AUH time. As i wanted to sleep slightly longer, i usually change my wakeup call to half hr later, thus it should be 1900hrs AUH time, but i went to set it to 1900hrs local time. I was awaken by the wakeup call i set. And right before i was about to leave my room, i suddenly had a weird feeling about the extremely short time spent in the hotel, thus i called the concierge to check on the timings and realised how dumb i was...
Feeling extremely lethargic after less than an hour's rest in the hotel, we had to get back to the worst aircraft EY owns and serve a full load of indians. To make things worse, the APU was not working, and guess wat, that's the Auxilliary Power Unit that provides power to the Aircraft on ground. Therefore, all the poor crew, including myself, had to board all the guests onto an oven aircraft. All the guests were complaining and who gets the shit? ----> US!!! On top of that, the safety video was not working, thus, we had to perform our "well-practiced" life safety demonstration and sweating like a pig at the same time....... Can't Believe It!!!!
The service was a mess. Communication break down, crew unhappy with each other, showing faces to one another and all. I was trying so hard to be the middle-man, cooling them down and running around the cabin trying to help them out, so that they dun get so mad at each other. And the stupid, irritating, greedy, fucking asshole indian guests had millions of requests and complains and kept pressing the fucking call bell like they're playing some kinda music!!! The first couple of rows that i served already requested 2 to 3 kinda different drinks each. The flight was short, we dun have enough time to entertain them with so many different kind of interesting drinks man... It was so aggitating and yet we had to try to do it.
During the collection service, an asshole even blamed me for not serving his Whiskey, but my colleague had already served him.
And at tis point, My Cabin Manager happen to walk towards the aft, thus i wanted to tell her wat happened...
I was so upset, i didn't eat anything. How was i able to swallow anything? I was shocked by how i reacted to it. I totally didn't care about the consequences and fought with the guest without holding back. I know as a service-provider, it's not right to do that. I'm not professional enough in dealing with the situation. I guess my emotions took over me again....
I am really tired.... .... When will i be able to stand up again???
I can't believe how down i was today. Everything just went haywire.. Kept telling myself that everything's gonna be alright, but can't help but to feel sorry for myself. It's pathetic. Cried myself to bed the night before. Woke up, though feeling down, but ready to work cos i wanted to keep my mind occupied. Can't help but to have the word "Gloomy" written over my forehead.
Reached bombay and was waiting for the bus to arrive but apparently, our bus was not arranged for us. In the end, we had to wait for more than an hour under the sun with only very little shade from the bald tree. The hotel sent a very small bus + a private car to take the whole team to Leela Hotel. And guess wat? The car ride only took less than 5mins to reach the hotel. I have no idea why they took so long to send us the transport.
All the waiting cum a bit of flight delay, shortened our rest period by almost 3hrs. At the hotel, our pick up was at 2100hrs and the wakeup call at 2000hrs local time, which is 1830hrs AUH time. As i wanted to sleep slightly longer, i usually change my wakeup call to half hr later, thus it should be 1900hrs AUH time, but i went to set it to 1900hrs local time. I was awaken by the wakeup call i set. And right before i was about to leave my room, i suddenly had a weird feeling about the extremely short time spent in the hotel, thus i called the concierge to check on the timings and realised how dumb i was...
Feeling extremely lethargic after less than an hour's rest in the hotel, we had to get back to the worst aircraft EY owns and serve a full load of indians. To make things worse, the APU was not working, and guess wat, that's the Auxilliary Power Unit that provides power to the Aircraft on ground. Therefore, all the poor crew, including myself, had to board all the guests onto an oven aircraft. All the guests were complaining and who gets the shit? ----> US!!! On top of that, the safety video was not working, thus, we had to perform our "well-practiced" life safety demonstration and sweating like a pig at the same time....... Can't Believe It!!!!
The service was a mess. Communication break down, crew unhappy with each other, showing faces to one another and all. I was trying so hard to be the middle-man, cooling them down and running around the cabin trying to help them out, so that they dun get so mad at each other. And the stupid, irritating, greedy, fucking asshole indian guests had millions of requests and complains and kept pressing the fucking call bell like they're playing some kinda music!!! The first couple of rows that i served already requested 2 to 3 kinda different drinks each. The flight was short, we dun have enough time to entertain them with so many different kind of interesting drinks man... It was so aggitating and yet we had to try to do it.
During the collection service, an asshole even blamed me for not serving his Whiskey, but my colleague had already served him.
ASSHOLE: She served me already, but u haven.
Me: Sir, i did not serve u becos i saw tat my colleague has already served u ur drink.
ASSHOLE: But i need another drink now.
Me: Sir, can i come back to u shortly.
ASSHOLE: About how long?!
Me: Maybe another 10 mins, i need to finish with my service first, we're running out of time now, i hope u understand.
ASSHOLE: But i can't finish my meal if u dun give me the whiskey...
Me: I'm sorry sir, i really need to finish my service. Anyway, why can't u swallow ur meal when u dun have the whiskey? U having some problem with ur throat???
ASSHOLE: i need the drink otherwise i cant eat. U can faster go get now and continue to
collect.
Me: I'm sorry sir, i can't do that! if u want, i can get my cabin manager to talk to u!
ASSHOLE: No, i dun wanna talk to ur Cabin Manager!
Me: I'm still very sorry sir, u just have to wait, i'm not going to explain to u anymore, if u're not happy, u can complain to my cabin manager. Anyway, at top of descend, i'll collect ur tray in preparation for landing, whether or not u have finish ur food ....
And at tis point, My Cabin Manager happen to walk towards the aft, thus i wanted to tell her wat happened...
ASSHOLE: I dun wanna talk to ur Cabin Manager!!!!!!The cabin manager was shocked by the commotion and her eyes almost dropped out. Therefore, i decided that it's still better i just walk away..... He's so rude and unreasonable, I was so angry that i almost burst out crying in front of everybody. I can't believe how everything pile on top of each other that made my day really so bad. As i continued to collect the last few rows of trays, i felt like an idiot. Everything was just not right. I felt like somebody is punishing me for dunno wat reason....
Me: Sir, u're not talking to her, i am talking to her!!!!!!
ASSHOLE: I dun care! I dun wanna talk to her!!!! It's ur FAULT!!!! U're wrong!!!!!
ME: Sir!!! I've not done anything wrong and it's not my fault!!!!!!
I was so upset, i didn't eat anything. How was i able to swallow anything? I was shocked by how i reacted to it. I totally didn't care about the consequences and fought with the guest without holding back. I know as a service-provider, it's not right to do that. I'm not professional enough in dealing with the situation. I guess my emotions took over me again....
I am really tired.... .... When will i be able to stand up again???
Thursday, 20 September 2007
The Ending and New Beginning....
Finally get to talk after the break up email. The first thing that i wanna confirm was his feelings for that girl. In the end, my instinct was right again. I'm basically a psychic.... My feelings are just so accurate.
Had a 2 hours phone call, the bill must be alot. I myself spent about 35SGD on my credit. But the money should be worth while, at least it managed to put an end to a draggy relationship. I hate to drag on and was exactly waiting for him to pour out his true feelings.
He had actually wanted to reply my email since the very moment he read, but he did not know what he wants, to hold on or to let go. Actually, if he really wanna hold on, he'd have done it easily. But if he wanna let go more, he'd find it hard to bring it across, thus it's obviously what he actually wanted.
I managed to analyse to him what he was going through. Like i told him, this is just a passing phase for him. Getting to know more people, having lots of fun, seeing and trying new things, and most importantly, meeting new girls and comparing them to me. Isn't it normal that when u first get to know a person, u'll probably not be able to see their flaws. It's only when u get to spend a lot more time with tat person tat u will be able to see everything about them, and that's describing me. And at this point in time, i bet a lot of people tat he meet will be able to be better than me in many ways. Therefore during his training, he got to be close to Khim, and inevitably he'll start comparing and falling for her. I guess it's a crush. Having feelings for her, but knowing that it probably won't work out.
To me, i think everything started off from his feelings for her. When he has that feeling, his love for me will fade away eventually. And that explains why he was not able to figure out why his feelings faded without any reason. The reason is just right there but he refused to admit to it. I am not able to be there physically to prevent this to happen, therefore there's no point hanging on, because i'll still not be around for a while. It'd probably be easier now, since they are not in training anymore, but he himself has to control his own feelings. No one else can do anything about it.
Initially when he called, i thought that we'd end it the other way round. I thought he'd try to stop me from leaving. But he didn't. I'm quite sure he'll regret very soon, but that's beside the point. Right now, i just have to move on. And due to the cause of the break up, i'll not be able to turn back anymore. Looking back 3 yrs ago at what happened, i really dun deserve to have this kinda ending again. I never thought that history will repeat itself. I was so sure of him, but i still couldn't prevent it. Yet again, i can actually understand how and why he feels for her. It's actually no big deal, but the problem is, it involved a relationship of almost 6 yrs.
He said that he realised my thinking is far more ahead than him. I didn't know that he only found tat out at this point in time. I knew it all along that my thinking is more matured than him, but i think it's normal, as i've been through more things than him too. It never came across my mind that it'd be a problem to us, as i've always been willing to accomodate to that. I'm not sure but maybe he feels the pressure.
My heart is aching right now. The thought of someone else in his heart hurts me deeply. I think that his feelings for me is stronger than for her, at least i hope that it's this way, but i'm not willing to share it with anyone else. Like i emphasized to him before, it's ok if he does something behind my back, just dun let me know, cos i can actually understand that loneliness is hard to go through, but for who he is, it's impossible for him to hide. I can analyse his feelings with every word he says or every move he makes.
With what he has done, will he ever deserve a third chance? I really need to get over him soon. I need a hero to appear right now. I can't do it myself.....
Had a 2 hours phone call, the bill must be alot. I myself spent about 35SGD on my credit. But the money should be worth while, at least it managed to put an end to a draggy relationship. I hate to drag on and was exactly waiting for him to pour out his true feelings.
He had actually wanted to reply my email since the very moment he read, but he did not know what he wants, to hold on or to let go. Actually, if he really wanna hold on, he'd have done it easily. But if he wanna let go more, he'd find it hard to bring it across, thus it's obviously what he actually wanted.
I managed to analyse to him what he was going through. Like i told him, this is just a passing phase for him. Getting to know more people, having lots of fun, seeing and trying new things, and most importantly, meeting new girls and comparing them to me. Isn't it normal that when u first get to know a person, u'll probably not be able to see their flaws. It's only when u get to spend a lot more time with tat person tat u will be able to see everything about them, and that's describing me. And at this point in time, i bet a lot of people tat he meet will be able to be better than me in many ways. Therefore during his training, he got to be close to Khim, and inevitably he'll start comparing and falling for her. I guess it's a crush. Having feelings for her, but knowing that it probably won't work out.
To me, i think everything started off from his feelings for her. When he has that feeling, his love for me will fade away eventually. And that explains why he was not able to figure out why his feelings faded without any reason. The reason is just right there but he refused to admit to it. I am not able to be there physically to prevent this to happen, therefore there's no point hanging on, because i'll still not be around for a while. It'd probably be easier now, since they are not in training anymore, but he himself has to control his own feelings. No one else can do anything about it.
Initially when he called, i thought that we'd end it the other way round. I thought he'd try to stop me from leaving. But he didn't. I'm quite sure he'll regret very soon, but that's beside the point. Right now, i just have to move on. And due to the cause of the break up, i'll not be able to turn back anymore. Looking back 3 yrs ago at what happened, i really dun deserve to have this kinda ending again. I never thought that history will repeat itself. I was so sure of him, but i still couldn't prevent it. Yet again, i can actually understand how and why he feels for her. It's actually no big deal, but the problem is, it involved a relationship of almost 6 yrs.
He said that he realised my thinking is far more ahead than him. I didn't know that he only found tat out at this point in time. I knew it all along that my thinking is more matured than him, but i think it's normal, as i've been through more things than him too. It never came across my mind that it'd be a problem to us, as i've always been willing to accomodate to that. I'm not sure but maybe he feels the pressure.
My heart is aching right now. The thought of someone else in his heart hurts me deeply. I think that his feelings for me is stronger than for her, at least i hope that it's this way, but i'm not willing to share it with anyone else. Like i emphasized to him before, it's ok if he does something behind my back, just dun let me know, cos i can actually understand that loneliness is hard to go through, but for who he is, it's impossible for him to hide. I can analyse his feelings with every word he says or every move he makes.
With what he has done, will he ever deserve a third chance? I really need to get over him soon. I need a hero to appear right now. I can't do it myself.....
Wednesday, 19 September 2007
Calm day...
Went for Vaccination in the morning, my 3rd dose for twinrix. The 2nd one was 5 months ago, when i 1st came to Abu Dhabi. Well, it kinda reminded me that i'm really here for 5 months already.
Spent the rest of the day at home, and went to Al-wahda mall with filzah at night. Chatted with mum and finally told her about my story for the past few days. Didn't even realise that i have not contacted her since i came back from singapore. I was too engrossed with what's happening, plus i really really think that i was in depression, therefore didn't think of anything else except for wat i was going through.
Mum commented that i was pushing him too hard when i told her about my actions. Was quite sad to hear that though, but when i told her about the marriage topic that we discussed about, she was kinda speechless as well. Dear Huishan was online after i ended conversation with my mum, so had a chat with her too. She was very aggressive towards hoping that i'd not end my relationship. I shared my side of the story with her, but she didn't seem very agreeable, saying that i should be more understanding and stuff. I guess she doesn't exactly understand what i'm going through, but on the other hand, i started wondering if i'm really making a big fuss again.
Junie is the only one who can exactly understand how i feel. I shall have a good talk with her again tmr. Anyway, i found out that he chatted with his lovely Khim, as usual. Oops, i'm not supposed to check on him again, but i really wanna know if i made the wrong move. Anyway, i did ask him to change all his passwords but he didn't.....
I guess he just read the email i sent him. He sent me a msg saying that he did not tell anyone about the break up, everyone will know from reading my Friendster profile. I guess he's right, but still, he didn't say anything to wanna stop the break up, so isn't it agreeing to it? It's already been days.. Joker Huishan said tat i should give him a chance but i deleted him from MSN, therefore he can't contact me. I'm totally speechless, i didn't know tat msn is the only form of communication tool.
Went with Filzah to the mall at almost 10pm local time. This place is really weird, due to Ramadan, all the malls open at around 7 to 8pm, and closes from between 1 to 2am. It totally suits my body clock man. Bought some perfumed hand cream and a "book". I've not read more than 10 books in my entire life, i'm really not a fan of reading, thus it's quite a break through for me to buy a BOOK.
Bought "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus". Wat to do, i think i really have to buck up on my relationship. Like wat my mum said, i'm really a loser to always get dumped in relationships. Although i was the one who initiated it, it's not ideally my idea to do it. Hope i'll get the essence of the book and be a love expert soon. *Haa*
Spent the rest of the day at home, and went to Al-wahda mall with filzah at night. Chatted with mum and finally told her about my story for the past few days. Didn't even realise that i have not contacted her since i came back from singapore. I was too engrossed with what's happening, plus i really really think that i was in depression, therefore didn't think of anything else except for wat i was going through.
Mum commented that i was pushing him too hard when i told her about my actions. Was quite sad to hear that though, but when i told her about the marriage topic that we discussed about, she was kinda speechless as well. Dear Huishan was online after i ended conversation with my mum, so had a chat with her too. She was very aggressive towards hoping that i'd not end my relationship. I shared my side of the story with her, but she didn't seem very agreeable, saying that i should be more understanding and stuff. I guess she doesn't exactly understand what i'm going through, but on the other hand, i started wondering if i'm really making a big fuss again.
Junie is the only one who can exactly understand how i feel. I shall have a good talk with her again tmr. Anyway, i found out that he chatted with his lovely Khim, as usual. Oops, i'm not supposed to check on him again, but i really wanna know if i made the wrong move. Anyway, i did ask him to change all his passwords but he didn't.....
I guess he just read the email i sent him. He sent me a msg saying that he did not tell anyone about the break up, everyone will know from reading my Friendster profile. I guess he's right, but still, he didn't say anything to wanna stop the break up, so isn't it agreeing to it? It's already been days.. Joker Huishan said tat i should give him a chance but i deleted him from MSN, therefore he can't contact me. I'm totally speechless, i didn't know tat msn is the only form of communication tool.
Went with Filzah to the mall at almost 10pm local time. This place is really weird, due to Ramadan, all the malls open at around 7 to 8pm, and closes from between 1 to 2am. It totally suits my body clock man. Bought some perfumed hand cream and a "book". I've not read more than 10 books in my entire life, i'm really not a fan of reading, thus it's quite a break through for me to buy a BOOK.
Bought "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus". Wat to do, i think i really have to buck up on my relationship. Like wat my mum said, i'm really a loser to always get dumped in relationships. Although i was the one who initiated it, it's not ideally my idea to do it. Hope i'll get the essence of the book and be a love expert soon. *Haa*
Tuesday, 18 September 2007
Hope i can finally move on....
Today is my 2nd off day, still have one more day to go. I'm glad that i'm coping better now. Not hidding in my room and tearing continuosly anymore. That few days were a nightmare for me.
Before i went for my Karachi flight on sunday, i was still tearing non-stop. Didn't even know how i managed to go for my flight. Tat was one day after i sent him the break up email. Tat morning, he asked me if i was serious about it. I replied tat i had no other choice and he said that he'd send me a reply. Despite of being incredibly upset, i still acted garang and replied him that my email did not involve any questions, meaning that he did not need to reply to it. And after tat, i've been checking my mail non-stop, but till today, he did not send anything to me, guess he took my words for it.
Before i went for that flight, i really couldn't hold myself. I called Jinglin to tell her everything, followed by a phone call to him. He did not answer cos he went for his gym training. And when i was at my lobby waiting for my bus to the airport, he called back. When i heard his voice, my tears rolled down uncontrollably again. We didn't talk much, nothing about the break up. He merely asked me to stop crying, and i told him i have nothing to say to him. And so, tat was it.
I went for my horrible Karachi flight with a horrible Singaporean bitch, Ayu, on board, and i managed to keep everything off my mind for a while. When i came back from flight, i was still feeling lost and really didn't want to stay alone at home, so i went over to shah's place with Taline and Khalid. We spent the night watching 3 dvds and after tat i felt much better.
It's really good to have people around me. It makes me feel that i'm not alone. We'd talk and joke and time passes easily tat way. After i came home from their company, i stopped thinking about nonsensical stuff and managed to move out of my depression state. I came to see that life can still be alright despite of what happened. I just have to be really determined to move on.
And so, i sent him another email yesterday, telling him that i really want to move on and since he has told his sister about wat happened, i guess he agreed to the break up. But i think till now, he hasn't read the email yet. I'm not sure exactly wat he's thinking, but for now, i still think that breaking up is the best move. Better for the both of us i guess....
He's in sydney, but he did give me a miss call yesterday, and also a call this morning. He didn't say much, so i dun really know why he called. Initially i thought it was because of the 2nd email, but apparently he hasn't read it yet. I'm really not sure if he's just calling to check on how i was doing, or did he have something to say to me. If i really want to move on, i really need his help to not contact me again. He'll definitely be able to sway my mind easily and i dun wan things to keep dragging on......... Watever it is, we'll see how it goes........
Before i went for my Karachi flight on sunday, i was still tearing non-stop. Didn't even know how i managed to go for my flight. Tat was one day after i sent him the break up email. Tat morning, he asked me if i was serious about it. I replied tat i had no other choice and he said that he'd send me a reply. Despite of being incredibly upset, i still acted garang and replied him that my email did not involve any questions, meaning that he did not need to reply to it. And after tat, i've been checking my mail non-stop, but till today, he did not send anything to me, guess he took my words for it.
Before i went for that flight, i really couldn't hold myself. I called Jinglin to tell her everything, followed by a phone call to him. He did not answer cos he went for his gym training. And when i was at my lobby waiting for my bus to the airport, he called back. When i heard his voice, my tears rolled down uncontrollably again. We didn't talk much, nothing about the break up. He merely asked me to stop crying, and i told him i have nothing to say to him. And so, tat was it.
I went for my horrible Karachi flight with a horrible Singaporean bitch, Ayu, on board, and i managed to keep everything off my mind for a while. When i came back from flight, i was still feeling lost and really didn't want to stay alone at home, so i went over to shah's place with Taline and Khalid. We spent the night watching 3 dvds and after tat i felt much better.
It's really good to have people around me. It makes me feel that i'm not alone. We'd talk and joke and time passes easily tat way. After i came home from their company, i stopped thinking about nonsensical stuff and managed to move out of my depression state. I came to see that life can still be alright despite of what happened. I just have to be really determined to move on.
And so, i sent him another email yesterday, telling him that i really want to move on and since he has told his sister about wat happened, i guess he agreed to the break up. But i think till now, he hasn't read the email yet. I'm not sure exactly wat he's thinking, but for now, i still think that breaking up is the best move. Better for the both of us i guess....
He's in sydney, but he did give me a miss call yesterday, and also a call this morning. He didn't say much, so i dun really know why he called. Initially i thought it was because of the 2nd email, but apparently he hasn't read it yet. I'm really not sure if he's just calling to check on how i was doing, or did he have something to say to me. If i really want to move on, i really need his help to not contact me again. He'll definitely be able to sway my mind easily and i dun wan things to keep dragging on......... Watever it is, we'll see how it goes........
Monday, 17 September 2007
Back to reality.....
It's been such a hectic and happening week for me. The death of my grandma made me think of a lot of stuff. Like i said, like is so vulnerable. I still can't help but still thinking wat's the value of living, still can't get an answer though.
Was really depressed the past few days, ever since i came back from singapore. Most of the emotions are from the problems from my relationship. Been very paranoid ever since he told me that his love for me has faded. Hasn't been able to face the fact for a while, therefore have been locking myself in one corner of my room and stalking his every move. I am unable to trust him anymore.
He did want to try and make our relationship work out. I can definitely see his effort, but the level of trust i have for him, made me do silly stuff and i have been making big fusses over every single thing, and he's slowly unable to take it too.
I wanted to know his every move. Checking on his phone, Logging on to his email, friendster account and even msn. My actions were strangling him and our relationship as well. Guess it'll be difficult to go back to the past again. Like he said, stop looking back at the past and move on, but i really can't... Knowing him for who he was for such a long time, things have simply changed too much that i couldn't catch up anymore.
Really wanted to keep trying, after all, we've been together for a really long period of time, it's only right to give each other a chance since we've gone this far. But there are simply too many factors and there're always people coming between us that it's no longer just about the two of us.
Like wat Jasmin said, he's only just started and when he gets tired of it, he'll settle down. I just have to hang on for this period. I sincerely believe in it too, if i managed to pull through this period with him, we'll probably be together again. But i really can't take it anymore and i see no point in hanging on anymore. There's really more to life than just him. I love him so much. So much that everything else became more and more insignificant. My dreams and passion has diminished so much. But is this wat i get eventually? I definitely deserve far more than that.
I can't believe how much tears i shed this few days. I guess i really was in depression. Really had the thought of leaving everything here and go back to singapore. Afterall, i really missed everyone alot. But finally, i came back to reality. Kinda woken up by his sister. Thanks to the testimonial she's written for me in friendster. I'm just hanging on to something that i dun deserve. Like her, he's being a bad lover. If he does not know how to cherish me, then i shall just move on.
I feel that i have not been mean to him in any way, although i might not have been extremely nice to him. During our previous crisis, i was the one who had taken him for granted so badly, thus i never really blamed him for wat he did, but this time round, i really do not deserve it....
Was really depressed the past few days, ever since i came back from singapore. Most of the emotions are from the problems from my relationship. Been very paranoid ever since he told me that his love for me has faded. Hasn't been able to face the fact for a while, therefore have been locking myself in one corner of my room and stalking his every move. I am unable to trust him anymore.
He did want to try and make our relationship work out. I can definitely see his effort, but the level of trust i have for him, made me do silly stuff and i have been making big fusses over every single thing, and he's slowly unable to take it too.
I wanted to know his every move. Checking on his phone, Logging on to his email, friendster account and even msn. My actions were strangling him and our relationship as well. Guess it'll be difficult to go back to the past again. Like he said, stop looking back at the past and move on, but i really can't... Knowing him for who he was for such a long time, things have simply changed too much that i couldn't catch up anymore.
Really wanted to keep trying, after all, we've been together for a really long period of time, it's only right to give each other a chance since we've gone this far. But there are simply too many factors and there're always people coming between us that it's no longer just about the two of us.
Like wat Jasmin said, he's only just started and when he gets tired of it, he'll settle down. I just have to hang on for this period. I sincerely believe in it too, if i managed to pull through this period with him, we'll probably be together again. But i really can't take it anymore and i see no point in hanging on anymore. There's really more to life than just him. I love him so much. So much that everything else became more and more insignificant. My dreams and passion has diminished so much. But is this wat i get eventually? I definitely deserve far more than that.
I can't believe how much tears i shed this few days. I guess i really was in depression. Really had the thought of leaving everything here and go back to singapore. Afterall, i really missed everyone alot. But finally, i came back to reality. Kinda woken up by his sister. Thanks to the testimonial she's written for me in friendster. I'm just hanging on to something that i dun deserve. Like her, he's being a bad lover. If he does not know how to cherish me, then i shall just move on.
I feel that i have not been mean to him in any way, although i might not have been extremely nice to him. During our previous crisis, i was the one who had taken him for granted so badly, thus i never really blamed him for wat he did, but this time round, i really do not deserve it....
Friday, 14 September 2007
Value Love... dun let it die....
Love - even genuine love - is a fragile thing.
Like a plant, it must be watered and cultivated or it will wither and die.
It seems some newly-married couples have the misguided notion that their love will
continue to grow naturally through the years. But the truth isthat love must maintained
and protected if it's going to survive. Love can perish when a husband works 7 days a week,
or when spouses don't make the effort to communicate regularly.
The keen edge of a loving relationship may be dulled through the routine pressures of
living. As I experienced during the early days of my own marriage, I was working full-time and
trying to finish my doctorate. My wife was teaching in school and running our small house.
I remember clearly the evening I realised what this busy life was doing to our relationship.
We still loved each other, but it had been too long since we felt the spirit of warmth and
closeness. My textbooks were pushed aside that night and wewent for a long walk. The
following semester, I took fewer classes and postponed my academic goals to help
preserve what I value more highly.
Where does your marriage rank on your hierarchy of values? Does it get the
leftovers and scraps from your busy schedule or is it something of great worth,to be
supported and replenished? Let there be no misunderstanding. If left unattended,
your relationship could die a slow death, no career goal is worth that price.
Like a plant, it must be watered and cultivated or it will wither and die.
It seems some newly-married couples have the misguided notion that their love will
continue to grow naturally through the years. But the truth isthat love must maintained
and protected if it's going to survive. Love can perish when a husband works 7 days a week,
or when spouses don't make the effort to communicate regularly.
The keen edge of a loving relationship may be dulled through the routine pressures of
living. As I experienced during the early days of my own marriage, I was working full-time and
trying to finish my doctorate. My wife was teaching in school and running our small house.
I remember clearly the evening I realised what this busy life was doing to our relationship.
We still loved each other, but it had been too long since we felt the spirit of warmth and
closeness. My textbooks were pushed aside that night and wewent for a long walk. The
following semester, I took fewer classes and postponed my academic goals to help
preserve what I value more highly.
Where does your marriage rank on your hierarchy of values? Does it get the
leftovers and scraps from your busy schedule or is it something of great worth,to be
supported and replenished? Let there be no misunderstanding. If left unattended,
your relationship could die a slow death, no career goal is worth that price.
Finally come to some senses....
I've been feeling really down the past week. Especially since i came back to abu dhabi. There seemed to be nothing much tat i can do except to let my mood heal by itself. But i have been feeling from bad to worse when i'm all alone in my apartment and no one to confide.
Went for the infamous Cairo flight yesterday night. Did Cairo before a few weeks ago and it was indeed a horrible experience. But to my amazement, it was a suprisingly pleasant flight. With most of the guest to be indonesians on the way up and most of the guest not having their meal, due to ramadan, on the way back, our flight turned out to be a not-at-all-Cairo flight.
I had a pleasant time with the crew as well, helping each other most of the time. I almost fainted half way through service on the first sector, reason yet to find out, therefore my colleague volunteered to do some of my tasks for me and forced me to take my meal. I thought it was really nice of her. I felt better when i was on flight, as it was a good flight and also becos i won't have time to think about negative thoughts.
But after i reached home, thoughts started building up in my mind again. I can't help me. Thought tat i might be having depression, as i was really upset about everything. I got to find out a msg that dear's batch girl sent him and i was really affected by it. Gave me a feeling that she was trying to sow discord. I dun know the real reason to the short msg yet, thus i shall not jump into conclusion, but at that point in time, i really broke down. Lucky thing is, Junie managed to come to my rescue.
She called me after we chatted awhile on msn. and we had a good talk abt our relationships with our boyfriends. Amazingly she managed to put some senses into my paranoid mind. I should just stop interfering brian's private life and trust him to do watever he's doing. if he can be affected by others so easily then it just shows that our relationship is not meant to be. I am learning not to look back at the happy memories and feel sad about the current state of our relationship, on the other hand, i should look ahead and move towards the direction that will make me happy so that i'll have more wonderful memories i the future...
No matter wat happens, it's gonna be about me, not him or us or anyone else....
Went for the infamous Cairo flight yesterday night. Did Cairo before a few weeks ago and it was indeed a horrible experience. But to my amazement, it was a suprisingly pleasant flight. With most of the guest to be indonesians on the way up and most of the guest not having their meal, due to ramadan, on the way back, our flight turned out to be a not-at-all-Cairo flight.
I had a pleasant time with the crew as well, helping each other most of the time. I almost fainted half way through service on the first sector, reason yet to find out, therefore my colleague volunteered to do some of my tasks for me and forced me to take my meal. I thought it was really nice of her. I felt better when i was on flight, as it was a good flight and also becos i won't have time to think about negative thoughts.
But after i reached home, thoughts started building up in my mind again. I can't help me. Thought tat i might be having depression, as i was really upset about everything. I got to find out a msg that dear's batch girl sent him and i was really affected by it. Gave me a feeling that she was trying to sow discord. I dun know the real reason to the short msg yet, thus i shall not jump into conclusion, but at that point in time, i really broke down. Lucky thing is, Junie managed to come to my rescue.
She called me after we chatted awhile on msn. and we had a good talk abt our relationships with our boyfriends. Amazingly she managed to put some senses into my paranoid mind. I should just stop interfering brian's private life and trust him to do watever he's doing. if he can be affected by others so easily then it just shows that our relationship is not meant to be. I am learning not to look back at the happy memories and feel sad about the current state of our relationship, on the other hand, i should look ahead and move towards the direction that will make me happy so that i'll have more wonderful memories i the future...
No matter wat happens, it's gonna be about me, not him or us or anyone else....
Thursday, 13 September 2007
I miss home...
It's been 2 days since i'm back from singapore. I have been feeling very upset about what happened and have been very emotional over everything... Life, Love and death.
I locked myself in my room and surf the internet all the time. I can't think of anything else to do. Abu Dhabi is really a boring place and i dun even have a single true friend whom i can confide. I miss everything about singapore.
The only thing i can think about is my relationship. It hasn't been very healthy since i came here. I'm really afraid of losing this relationship of almost 6 years. I dread the thought of having to be with someone new again. Going through the courtship period is nice, but having to understand another person all over and adapting to his flaws is not something that i wanna do.
I became very paranoid. Brian is very irritated by my paranoid behaviour. He said that he's making effort to make our relationship work out and repeatedly assured me that everything will be fine, but i kept doubting and checking on him. He said i should move on and not always bring up the unhappy things that happened between us previously. But can he really understand what i'm going through? He hurt me really deeply the past 2 months and to me, tat's still the present, it's not over yet.
I guess it'll not be over unless i go back to singapore for good. I feel extremely insecure after wat he said previously. Plus the fact that he's with SQ now, he is exposed to all the temptations. I used to trust him so much, but not anymore. Trust really needs to be earned...
I have the urge to leave everything here and run back to singapore. but i really cant. I have to face the reality and be more practical. I can't leave like what farhana did. She regretted in the end as well. It's really a silly thing to do before making enough money. Moreover, there's really nothing much i can do if i go back to singapore now. I'll die if i get another office job...
The conclusion is, i have to save enough money as soon as possible, then will i be able to go back to my beloved home... i hope tat'll not be too late to salvage my relationship. Wat's meant to be is meant to be..... let's hope he has the fortune to have me as his wife......
I locked myself in my room and surf the internet all the time. I can't think of anything else to do. Abu Dhabi is really a boring place and i dun even have a single true friend whom i can confide. I miss everything about singapore.
The only thing i can think about is my relationship. It hasn't been very healthy since i came here. I'm really afraid of losing this relationship of almost 6 years. I dread the thought of having to be with someone new again. Going through the courtship period is nice, but having to understand another person all over and adapting to his flaws is not something that i wanna do.
I became very paranoid. Brian is very irritated by my paranoid behaviour. He said that he's making effort to make our relationship work out and repeatedly assured me that everything will be fine, but i kept doubting and checking on him. He said i should move on and not always bring up the unhappy things that happened between us previously. But can he really understand what i'm going through? He hurt me really deeply the past 2 months and to me, tat's still the present, it's not over yet.
I guess it'll not be over unless i go back to singapore for good. I feel extremely insecure after wat he said previously. Plus the fact that he's with SQ now, he is exposed to all the temptations. I used to trust him so much, but not anymore. Trust really needs to be earned...
I have the urge to leave everything here and run back to singapore. but i really cant. I have to face the reality and be more practical. I can't leave like what farhana did. She regretted in the end as well. It's really a silly thing to do before making enough money. Moreover, there's really nothing much i can do if i go back to singapore now. I'll die if i get another office job...
The conclusion is, i have to save enough money as soon as possible, then will i be able to go back to my beloved home... i hope tat'll not be too late to salvage my relationship. Wat's meant to be is meant to be..... let's hope he has the fortune to have me as his wife......
Wednesday, 12 September 2007
Life & Love
“The greatest regrets in our lives are the risks we
did not take.
If u think something will make u happy, go for it.
Remember that we pass this way only once.”
“Respect him for who he is, and not what you want him
to be.
Everyone is pretty and special in his own way.
No one is perfect.
It is true love that closes the gap of imperfectness
to form a smooth
surface of acceptance for each other.
True love sees and accepts a person for who he is.
It is also true love which makes a person change for
the better.
The power of true love to a person is undeniable.
“It’s so funny how we set qualifications for the right
person to love,
while at the back of our minds we know the person we
truly love
will always be an exception.”
“The greatest thing ever, is to be able to get up
whenever you fall
and get back to reality.
Get on with life, never look back, never regret…
did not take.
If u think something will make u happy, go for it.
Remember that we pass this way only once.”
“Respect him for who he is, and not what you want him
to be.
Everyone is pretty and special in his own way.
No one is perfect.
It is true love that closes the gap of imperfectness
to form a smooth
surface of acceptance for each other.
True love sees and accepts a person for who he is.
It is also true love which makes a person change for
the better.
The power of true love to a person is undeniable.
“It’s so funny how we set qualifications for the right
person to love,
while at the back of our minds we know the person we
truly love
will always be an exception.”
“The greatest thing ever, is to be able to get up
whenever you fall
and get back to reality.
Get on with life, never look back, never regret…
Tuesday, 11 September 2007
Life is so vulnerable
It's been a very sad week for me. My maternal grandma passed away 7 days ago. I did managed to rush back for her funeral but i was late a few mins to meet her before her last breathe.
The funeral lasted for 6 days in total and my family had to attend the wake everyday. It hurts me a lot seeing my mum grief over the lost of her mother and still had to continue working non-stop. I told her to take a break but she refused. She is such a strong woman and i am really proud of her.
It sets me thinking that life is really vulnerable. A few days before grandma died, the doctor said that her lung cancer is at the 2nd stage and she had 80% chance of recovery, but 3 days after that, she passed away.
We always hear people saying that life is short, we should treasure wat we have. You never know wat will happen as life is really full of unexpected suprises. I started being really paranoid after wat happened to grandma. I kept imagining a lot of "wat ifs". What if it happens to my mum, dad, brian or anyone else really close to me. I dun think i'll be able to handle like my mum. I definitely will not be able to continue my work for a period of time.
Due to the emotional attack of all the imagination i had, i became really frighten to lose my family. I became so emotional that i dun wanna leave home. I dun wanna go back to Abu Dhabi. I wanna be with my boyfriend.
Now i'm at KL airport waiting for my flight back, and i'm feeling horrible. I can feel the tears rushing out almost anytime but there's nothing much i can do about it. Realistically, i have to get back to work and carry on with my life, but i'm really having some kinda emotional break down now.
I should be the one comforting my mum, but it seems like i need people to comfort me instead. To make things worse, i'm having rashes all over my body now and it really doesn't feel very good.
I wanna go home and i miss everyone already... ...
The funeral lasted for 6 days in total and my family had to attend the wake everyday. It hurts me a lot seeing my mum grief over the lost of her mother and still had to continue working non-stop. I told her to take a break but she refused. She is such a strong woman and i am really proud of her.
It sets me thinking that life is really vulnerable. A few days before grandma died, the doctor said that her lung cancer is at the 2nd stage and she had 80% chance of recovery, but 3 days after that, she passed away.
We always hear people saying that life is short, we should treasure wat we have. You never know wat will happen as life is really full of unexpected suprises. I started being really paranoid after wat happened to grandma. I kept imagining a lot of "wat ifs". What if it happens to my mum, dad, brian or anyone else really close to me. I dun think i'll be able to handle like my mum. I definitely will not be able to continue my work for a period of time.
Due to the emotional attack of all the imagination i had, i became really frighten to lose my family. I became so emotional that i dun wanna leave home. I dun wanna go back to Abu Dhabi. I wanna be with my boyfriend.
Now i'm at KL airport waiting for my flight back, and i'm feeling horrible. I can feel the tears rushing out almost anytime but there's nothing much i can do about it. Realistically, i have to get back to work and carry on with my life, but i'm really having some kinda emotional break down now.
I should be the one comforting my mum, but it seems like i need people to comfort me instead. To make things worse, i'm having rashes all over my body now and it really doesn't feel very good.
I wanna go home and i miss everyone already... ...
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