Back to reality.....

It's been such a hectic and happening week for me. The death of my grandma made me think of a lot of stuff. Like i said, like is so vulnerable. I still can't help but still thinking wat's the value of living, still can't get an answer though.

Was really depressed the past few days, ever since i came back from singapore. Most of the emotions are from the problems from my relationship. Been very paranoid ever since he told me that his love for me has faded. Hasn't been able to face the fact for a while, therefore have been locking myself in one corner of my room and stalking his every move. I am unable to trust him anymore.

He did want to try and make our relationship work out. I can definitely see his effort, but the level of trust i have for him, made me do silly stuff and i have been making big fusses over every single thing, and he's slowly unable to take it too.

I wanted to know his every move. Checking on his phone, Logging on to his email, friendster account and even msn. My actions were strangling him and our relationship as well. Guess it'll be difficult to go back to the past again. Like he said, stop looking back at the past and move on, but i really can't... Knowing him for who he was for such a long time, things have simply changed too much that i couldn't catch up anymore.


Really wanted to keep trying, after all, we've been together for a really long period of time, it's only right to give each other a chance since we've gone this far. But there are simply too many factors and there're always people coming between us that it's no longer just about the two of us.


Like wat Jasmin said, he's only just started and when he gets tired of it, he'll settle down. I just have to hang on for this period. I sincerely believe in it too, if i managed to pull through this period with him, we'll probably be together again. But i really can't take it anymore and i see no point in hanging on anymore. There's really more to life than just him. I love him so much. So much that everything else became more and more insignificant. My dreams and passion has diminished so much. But is this wat i get eventually? I definitely deserve far more than that.


I can't believe how much tears i shed this few days. I guess i really was in depression. Really had the thought of leaving everything here and go back to singapore. Afterall, i really missed everyone alot. But finally, i came back to reality. Kinda woken up by his sister. Thanks to the testimonial she's written for me in friendster. I'm just hanging on to something that i dun deserve. Like her, he's being a bad lover. If he does not know how to cherish me, then i shall just move on.

I feel that i have not been mean to him in any way, although i might not have been extremely nice to him. During our previous crisis, i was the one who had taken him for granted so badly, thus i never really blamed him for wat he did, but this time round, i really do not deserve it....